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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23368243">friends with better lives</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexaclub/pseuds/clexaclub'>clexaclub</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>friends from college [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:14:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,129</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23368243</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/clexaclub/pseuds/clexaclub</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Since beginning her relationship with Lexa a year ago, a lot of things have changed in Clarke's life. Riley and Lexa were obsessed with each other, Clarke was going to become a doctor, but their friends were always there for support. Things might not always be easy but they could, hopefully, get through anything together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin, Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Octavia Blake/Lincoln</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>friends from college [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1680556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>156</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>381</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. once upon a time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If someone would have told Clarke that she would be in medical school by the time Riley turned six, she would not have believed them. While walking across the graduation stage as an undergrad student, she thought it would never happen. The baby she carried in her stomach and new husband she had were her main concerns at that time in her life. Riley was still her primary focus but now she understood that her life did not have to be put on hold while raising her son.  </p><p>Since beginning her relationship with Lexa a year ago, a lot of things have changed in her life. They had a home together. No longer was she living alone with Riley. Lexa was always there to help her. Lexa was always there for Riley. Clarke thought of Riley as Lexa’s own child. It was hard not to when she or anyone else saw them together. Riley and Lexa were obsessed with each other, to say the least.  </p><p>One thing that probably would not surprise her would be Finn’s lack of involvement in Riley’s life. Even on her wedding day, she knew that she was probably making the wrong decision, but she was young and terrified of being a single mother. Two years later and her fear became a reality. Transitioning from a wife to a single mother was easy after finding out about the cheating. Finn had cheated on her for over a year before she found out about it. When thinking about it, she was not sad that he did it. She was sad about feeling so desperate for him at the time. She would wait hours for him or beg him to do things while being with or thinking of someone else. Clarke had vowed after her divorce to never beg anyone for their love again. </p><p>Clarke never had to beg Lexa for anything. Lexa usually knew what she needed or wanted before she even had to ask. No one she had ever dated compared to being with Lexa. Just the way Lexa cared for Riley made Clarke love her. There were many other reasons but that was one of the most important.  </p><p>With Clarke now in medical school, she could no longer work full-time. Lexa assured her that she did not have to worry about money. With Lexa’s income, the academy’s buyout, and the lawsuit against the drunk driver, they had enough to make them comfortable for the time being. Lexa refused to use the academy’s money until Riley started college. She wanted the money to go directly to their son and Clarke knew she still felt a little guilty for him being denied entry to kindergarten there. Neither could have predicted Tenal would kick him out because he had two moms, but they were both happy that Riley was now at an accepting school that he loved. </p><p>Despite all of that, Clarke felt guilty for not working. She had offered many times to get a part-time job that was online or something, but Lexa immediately banned her from working. Clarke knew that if she wanted a job, she could get one. She did not particularly want to take more time away from Riley and Lexa.  </p><p>Instead of going out to dinner on Fridays, they took turns hosting dinners at their houses. It just made more sense to do it that way now since they all lived closer together. Lexa moving out of the city was a big change for her since she was further away from her office than she would choose. They had almost not bought their house because of the distance to her office.  </p><p>Clarke felt just a little bit overwhelmed right now because she had to figure out a way to plan Riley’s birthday, write a ten-page essay, finish all the laundry, and go grocery shopping for the following week. With Riley turning six, Clarke wanted to make sure everyone could attend his party. It had been too long since they all got together with their parents, too.  </p><p>“What are you doing, mommy?” Riley asked. </p><p>“I’m folding these towels,” she said. “Do you want to help mommy put them in the linen closet?” </p><p>Clarke had her laptop open on the washer to watch one of her assigned videos while doing laundry. She handed a few of the towels to her son. He walked off to put them away. Clarke heard the garage door open and close as Lexa got home from work. </p><p>“What are you doing with all those towels, lovebug?” Lexa asked as she put her keys down. </p><p>“Helping mommy clean,” he explained. </p><p>Clarke listened to the video as she put their clothes on hangers. She tried to keep her focus on what her professor was saying but she also had a particular way she liked to put the clothes away.  </p><p>Lexa kissed the side of Clarke’s head as she took her suit jacket off. She paused the video and looked back at her girlfriend. She hummed as her hands moved to Lexa’s waist.  </p><p>“I love this button-up on you,” Clarke said. </p><p>“I know,” Lexa said, smirking. “You barely let me leave for work this morning.” </p><p>Clarke’s cheeks flushed a bit as she shrugged. “It’s been awhile,” she said. “And I don’t think anyone would blame me after seeing you in this shirt. It’s almost as good as seeing you without this shirt.” </p><p>Lexa took Clarke’s face in her hands to kiss her deeply. Clarke felt Riley reach for the rest of the towels on the table, so she pulled away from Lexa.  </p><p>“Thank you, baby,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“You gonna be kissin’? Because I want my momma to turn Spider-Man on,” Riley said. </p><p>They both laughed when he asked them the question. Lexa moved away from her completely to turn the TV on. Clarke played the rest of her video as she continued her chores. She really did not like letting things pile up around the house. With her going to school more hours a week than she used to work, it was a hard adjustment. And now, Riley was about to start first grade.  </p><p>Lexa made all three of their plates. She called Riley to the table and let Clarke finish putting all their clothes away. She finally came down to take her seat at the kitchen table. </p><p>“We need to go shopping for Riley’s school supplies this weekend,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Riley bounced, excitedly, in his chair. He had been talking about going back to school since June ended. They knew he missed his friends, but Riley’s best friend lived just next door. Riley and Charlotte had become close as soon as they moved in. He was just playing in the front yard one day while Clarke and Lexa organized the garage. He had his soccer ball and was kicking it when a little girl came outside. After she stared at him for a little bit, Riley cautiously kicked the ball to her. Charlotte kicked it back and they have been best friends since. </p><p>“Maybe Sunday,” Clarke suggested. “I was hoping to catch up on schoolwork and house stuff Saturday.” </p><p>“I’ll do the house stuff,” she said. Lexa stood and cleared their plates.  </p><p>“I don’t mind to,” Clarke said. “Or we can do them together. I just need to get the landscaping out front cleaned up. The weeds have taken over.” </p><p>“Let me hire a gardener, please,” Lexa said.  </p><p>They have had this discussion before. Clarke would rather do the things herself. “Summer is almost over,” she said. “Then we won’t even have to worry about it for too much longer.” </p><p>“I’m hiring one,” Lexa said. “I don’t want you to worry about the landscaping and weeds and grass.” </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes but did not fight her on it this time. Maybe it would be nice to have someone else do the yard work.  </p><p>Later that night, Clarke slid into bed and hummed when she felt the still warm sheets on her legs. Lexa joined her a few minutes later. Clarke was sure she would never get over the sight of Lexa with her hair down, comfy clothes on, and glasses. Lexa only wore them around her, and she was thankful for that. The sight was almost too much to handle. She wanted this Lexa just for herself. </p><p>Clarke moved closer and laid her cheek on Lexa’s thigh. The other woman was trying to read some journal, but Clarke could feel Lexa reacting to the fingertips grazing her inner thigh. Eventually, Lexa sighed and put whatever she was reading back on her nightstand. </p><p>“You’re terrible, do you know that?” Lexa asked as her hand moved to the other side of Clarke’s face.  </p><p>Clarke smirked before slipping her fingers under the waistband of Lexa’s pants. “Yes, I know,” she whispered. “But you’re the one who locked our door.” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. rescue me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lexa drove Riley home from his school a few weeks later. He was still in the stages of ‘beginning school excitement’, so she listened to him go on and on about everything he did that day the entire ride home. She did not mind at all. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke had called in the middle of the day and said she probably would not be home until six or seven, so Lexa or her parents needed to pick Riley up. Lexa did not often get to pick him up from school. She usually worked until five, but she left early today instead of calling Jake or Abby. Seeing Riley light up when he saw her made her feel </span>
  <span>good</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa had also gotten a chance to talk with his teacher. Just as she expected, the woman could only compliment his behavior and how smart he was. Lexa already knew that. He was an impressive child. Lexa had smiled when his teacher said that Riley talked about her a lot. It was adorably sweet. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re momma, right?” Ms. Harper asked while Lexa was there.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” she replied. “Clarke is mommy.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa parked in their garage. Normally, Clarke’s car was parked inside. She let Riley out and threw his backpack over her shoulder. Once inside, she went to change. To lessen the burden on Clarke’s shoulders, she had Riley doing his homework while she started on dinner. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Things were different now that Clarke was in medical school full-time. Lexa was, of course, happy for Clarke but it required so much more of her time.  Plus, Lexa saw how much it already bothered her to miss out on time with them. Lexa had never gone to medical school, so her only reference was Raven. But Raven was not Clarke. Raven had a doctorate when the rest of them graduated with a </span>
  <span>bachelor's</span>
  <span> degree. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke did not get home until eight despite thinking it would be no later than seven. Lexa smiled over the back of the couch at her. Riley had asked if he could finish his show before going to bed. His bedtime was eight </span>
  <span>o’clock</span>
  <span> but Lexa figured he was actually waiting for his mom to return. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, babies,” Clarke said. She kissed Riley’s head and then Lexa’s lips. “Sorry I’m late. I should have left dinner in the fridge this morning.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I made dinner,” she said. “There’s leftover in the fridge.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke heated up her food while Lexa took Riley to his bed. Lexa sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed his belly as she made up a silly story about pirates. He giggled but his eyes grew sleepily. Clarke came into his bedroom and got on her knees beside his bed. She kissed his face.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to eat dinner with you tonight,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, mommy,” Riley said. “My momma says you had to be at school for a while. Mommy, are pirates real?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke chuckled as she kissed him again. “They used to be real,” she said. “But you don’t have to worry about pirates anymore.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” he said, sighing. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley’s eyes closed as he snuggled down into his pillow. Lexa rubbed his belly until he fell completely asleep while Clarke ate dinner. She thanked whatever fate led her to Riley and Clarke as she watched him for a moment longer. Finally, Lexa stood and closed the door behind </span>
  <span>herself</span>
  <span> so he did not wake up from their talking or walking around. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How was school?” Lexa asked, sitting beside her at the table.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good,” she said. “I’ve spent like six hours doing lab stuff. My back hurts from leaning over so much.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll give you a massage tonight,” Lexa said with a smile. “Do you want to take a hot bath? I’ll go get it started for you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke grinned over at her. “Only if you’ll join me,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I can live with that,” Lexa said.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“I got paired up with the smartest person in class which sucks,” Clarke was telling her sister on the couch.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was Raven and Anya’s turn to host their weekly dinner. Clarke had decided to let Abby pick Riley up tonight so they could get some free time with their friends. Having their dinners here meant takeout since Raven or Anya never cooked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t get it since you were the smartest person in your class,” Clarke continued.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa was listening from beside them. Clarke had not mentioned her new partner at </span>
  <span>school,</span>
  <span> but they had not had time to talk before arriving. They both came here straight from work. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess but no one wanted to be my partner for other reasons,” Raven said. “For one, I don’t like people. For two, I don’t like stupid people even more.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa heard Clarke laugh as she stood to find her own sister. “How do you like the new job?” Lexa asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya, who had recently been promoted, smiled. “It’s good so far,” she said. “The people under me are good at their jobs so far. I’m not </span>
  <span>particularly</span>
  <span> looking forward to firing anyone but hopefully that won’t be anytime soon.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I get that,” Lexa said. “You would be surprised by the amount of calls I get from people trying to file wrongful termination lawsuits. Ninety-five percent of them are their own fault.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“People just want money,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya poured another glass of wine and took a long drink. “Raven wants to get married,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa almost choked on her own drink. She wiped her mouth as she stared at her sister. “Wait, really?” she asked. “What... did she ask you to marry her?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not exactly,” Anya answered. “After sex the other night, she </span>
  <span>said</span>
  <span> ‘are you trying to marry me or not?’ which I </span>
  <span>said</span>
  <span> ‘I guess’ and we haven’t talked about it since.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It sounds like she wants you to propose, An,” she said. “Are you going to?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Raven has never, ever talked about marriage before the other night,” Anya said. “I thought we were on the same page about it being stupid.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Marriage isn’t stupid,” Lexa said, sighing. “Now you know that Raven wants to get married. What does that mean for you? Are you going to marry her?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya circled her finger around the rim of her wine glass as she thought about it. “I know that Raven is it for me,” she said. “But I don’t need to marry her to know that. I guess if she really wants to, I would.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa suddenly thought about what it would be like if she proposed to Clarke. She wondered if Clarke would say yes to her right now. They had talked about getting married one day, but Clarke did not seem to be in a rush at all. Lexa, honestly, could propose to her right now. She just hoped Clarke did not want to wait until she graduated to do it.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think it’s safe to say that Raven does want to marry you,” Lexa said. “You should do it. Can you imagine how happy she would be if you proposed? Hell, you could do it after sex.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I am definitely doing it after sex,” Anya said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You two have been together forever,” Lexa said. “I bet you two have more sex than all of us combined.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s definitely true,” Anya replied. “We’ve had sex three times today. And we’ve been together for ten years. Not forever. I’m only thirty.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Three times </span>
  <em>
    <span>today</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Lexa asked. “What the hell? Clarke and I are lucky to have sex three times a week.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s still more than average,” she said, shrugging. Anya was obviously trying to make her feel better about it. “What if Raven wants kids all of a sudden?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think she will,” Lexa said. “But if she does, you two will figure it out.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa figured they would be engaged before their next dinner. Anya always tried to act like she did not do anything Raven wanted but she did. It was sweet. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night, Lexa was sitting on the side of the bed and watching Clarke brush her teeth. “Anya and Raven had sex three times before dinner tonight,” she said before she could really stop it.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gross, Lexa.” Clarke said as she flossed. “Did you say three times?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Three times,” she said again. “And I thought we were doing pretty good.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked over at her now with a confused expression. “Do you think we should be having more sex?” she asked. She rubbed a moisturizer on her face before walking over to her side of the bed. Clarke slid under the covers.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Lexa replied. She laid her journal across her lap and opened it to the page she had left off </span>
  <span>yesterday</span>
  <span>. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sat up now and took the magazine from her lap. She laid it on her own nightstand. “What’s wrong, Lexa?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” she said. “I just want you to be... satisfied.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke smirked and leaned in to kiss her shoulder. Her lips moved up to her neck. “I’m more than satisfied, sweetheart,” she replied.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa felt less tense as she fell asleep that night. Clarke's bare legs were wrapped around Lexa's and her barely covered chest was pressed to her's. They would have remained naked but sometimes Riley had nightmares. She had a little bit of trouble falling asleep. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa awoke at four am from a dream she could not remember. It must have been a sex dream though because she was suddenly very sexually frustrated. Instead of escaping into the bathroom to shower since there was no way she could sleep now, she waited until five before disappearing under the covers to wake Clarke up with her mouth. Maybe they did not have sex three times a day but she was happy with their sex life. She hoped Clarke <em>truly</em> felt the same way.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. rules of engagement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lexa, never in a million years, thought she would be in a jewelry store helping her sister look for an engagement ring. When Anya asked her to go, she thought this would be a quick process. It was the Sunday after their dinner at Raven and Anya’s apartment. Her sister had texted the night before to ask if Lexa would go. She was not quite sure what to tell Clarke since she wanted it to be a surprise, but she also did not want to lie to her girlfriend. She told Clarke that she was going shopping with Anya.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you just going with a band?” Lexa asked as they walked between rows of rings and other jewelry. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I don’t think Raven wants a big diamond or anything,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The women behind the counter led them to the display case with the bands. Lexa followed behind her sister until she spotted the types of rings Clarke liked. She wanted something simple. Clarke liked rings with a gold band and one square cut diamond. Lexa had remembered that from their college days. She remembered Clarke pretending to like the ring Finn had gotten her. It was nothing like the ring she had wanted. Lexa could tell that Clarke felt bad for not liking her engagement and wedding ring.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s eyes landed on a ring that seemed to stand out in the display case. The princess-cut diamond was the exact kind Clarke wanted. It was a large diamond which Lexa wanted for her. Anya called her over, so she tore her eyes from the ring and went over to help her sister. After all, she was here to help Anya. Not get engaged herself.</span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>On Wednesday, Lexa actually took a lunch break. As she walked through the city, she called Clarke.</p>
<p>"Hello?" the blonde asked.</p>
<p>Lexa smiled when she heard her voice. "Hi," she said. "Are you able to talk to me for a bit?"</p>
<p>"Yes, let me tell Gina," Clarke said. </p>
<p>Lexa could hear Clarke pull the phone from her ear. She told whoever Gina was that she was stepping outside for a moment to eat her lunch. Lexa heard Gina ask if everything was okay. Finally, Clarke was back on the phone. </p>
<p>"Who's Gina?" Lex asked.</p>
<p>"My lab partner," she answered. "She's the smartest person in my class. It's crazy, really."</p>
<p>There was a little bit of a stabbing, annoying pain in her chest. Lexa knew it came from jealousy but she refused to believe she could ever be jealous. Never had Lexa been jealous of anyone before, except Finn because he actually did marry the love of Lexa's life, but it was an uncomfortable feeling to know Clarke saw Gina for most of the day. Lexa did not think Clarke would <em>ever</em> cheat on her. That did not mean Clarke would never breakup with her to be with someone else. Lexa had to trust that Clarke still felt the same for her that she claimed to.</p>
<p>"Does anyone else in your class have a kid?" Lexa asked. </p>
<p>"Not that I know of," she answered. </p>
<p>Lexa knew why she had really asked. She secretly hoped that Clarke would tell her Gina was married or something. Not that Lexa was worried at all, she kept telling herself. She just wanted to know more about this new life Clarke had. </p>
<p>"Gina thinks it's funny that Riley wants to be a lawyer like you," Clarke said. "Because most kids say they want to be a doctor or fireman or something. She thinks it's hilarious because not many kids say that when they're six."</p>
<p>Lexa laughed. "He has been saying that a lot lately," she said.</p>
<p>"Because he wants to be just like his momma," Clarke said. </p>
<p>"I guess he does," Lexa said, smiling. "What me to bring you something? I have some time until my next phone conference. I could meet you at school."</p>
<p>"I wish," Clarke replied. "I only have ten minutes until lab starts. Maybe tomorrow? We'll talk about it at home. Ill check my schedule for tomorrow before I leave."</p>
<p>"Okay, sweetheart," she said. "I'll see you at home."</p>
<p>They said their goodbyes and 'I love you's' before hanging up. Lexa realized where exactly she had walked and stepped into the jewelry store. As she walked out with the ring box in her pocket, Lexa was happy. She just needed to find the right time.</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Dinner was at their own house that Friday. Lexa looked for the ring immediately, but Raven’s left ring finger was empty. The two of them were not as talkative and playful as they usually were. She looked to her sister in question, but Anya avoided her gaze until after dinner. Lexa finally got her alone.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t asked yet?” Lexa asked. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did,” Anya said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s heart sunk in her chest for her sister. She looked out across the backyard as they swung in the porch swing. They sat in silence for a few minutes.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Raven thinks I’m only asking because she wants me to,” Anya explained. “I don’t really see the problem with that. I got upset and we’ve been fighting for a few days.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You got upset because you went out on a limb which you aren’t used to doing with her,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it’s kind of embarrassing to have someone say no to your proposal, Lexa,” she said, frustrated. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” she said. “I’m sorry. Maybe I can talk to her.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya sighed and run a hand over her face. “Fine,” she said. “I’m just... this is the first time I’ve ever been scared since meeting her. You know? It’s a weird feeling. Every other time we’ve fought, we just had sex and we’re back to normal.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m guessing that hasn’t happened since...” Lexa suggested.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Anya said. “It’s been four days.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was, most likely, the longest they had ever gone without having sex. It was a huge part of their relationship. There was something Anya was not telling </span>
  <span>her,</span>
  <span> but Lexa did not push.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley slid open the back door. “Mommy asked if you wanted ice cream,” he said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both</span>
  <span> said they did not want any which made Riley sigh and call them boring. Lexa chuckled and stood up from the swing. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not going to lose Raven, okay? I’m not sure soulmates are a real thing, but you and Raven would definitely fit the bill,” Lexa said. “No two people have ever been more meant for each other than the two of you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya looked over at her sister and she could see the pain in her eyes. Lexa had not seen that expression before. “I hope you’re right, Lex,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i am pretty excited for the next chapter bc you will get to see how raven and anya met!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. everything is gonna be okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“Can’t you just go by yourself, Lexa?” Anya asked, annoyed.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes,” Lexa said. “But everyone wants to meet you and I told them I would make you come.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya groaned from her bed. “And here I thought having you go to my school was a good idea,” she said. But she stood up because she had always had a soft spot for her little sister. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Recently, Lexa had spent more time getting ready for classes or nights out with her friends. Anya was not even sure if Lexa noticed she was doing it but there was a reason she was trying to look a certain way. There was someone she was trying to look good for and </span>
  </em>
  <span>that </span>
  <em>
    <span>was the main reason Anya agreed to go out. She wanted to meet this person. She doubted she would think this girl was good enough for her sister. Lexa had a tendency of choosing the wrong people for herself. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Obviously, it had shocked their parents when Anya came out as bisexual when she was in high school. But what shocked them more was that Lexa came out as gay at the same time. She had been in eighth grade when Lexa told them. Anya had known since Lexa was thirteen though. Lexa fell in love with their next-door neighbor then. When Lexa tried to kiss her, it was not well received. It was the first time Anya remembered Lexa being so sad. Their parents knew something was wrong, but Lexa would not talk to them. So, Anya came out a few weeks later which encouraged Lexa to do the same. It had not taken them more than a few hours to come into the girls’ rooms and tell them that it did not change anything. Their parents were the best people Anya knew.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>On some days, Anya saw the same Lexa she saw when she had been rejected all those years ago. Lexa seemed withdrawn. It seemed like she was trying so hard to be happy some days. Anya had a feeling she had fallen for a straight girl. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya heard so much about </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa’s</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> group of friends that she felt like she already knew them. They seemed like good people for her sister. She was just happy that Lexa found people who appreciated her sister for her. Lexa was her absolute best friend and Anya would do anything for her.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When they arrived at whose ever apartment this was, Lexa dragged her through the crowd until she found a blonde woman and some guy. The second she saw the blonde, Anya knew this was who Lexa had fallen in love with.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“This is my sister, Anya,” Lexa said. “Anya, this is Clarke.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya had to admit that this girl was beautiful. Clarke had the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen. Lexa had told her a few things about her like that Clarke wanted to be a doctor. Just looking at her, Anya knew this woman could not be straight. Just the way she looked at Lexa told her so.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Anya, this is Finn,” Lexa said. “Clarke’s boyfriend.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa’s tone changed when she introduced him. Anya’s heart ached for her. The way Lexa smiled at Clarke and the way Clarke smiled back was adorable and heartbreaking at the same time.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya smiled at them anyway in greeting and looked around. It did not take long for Anya to find a few people from her class that she liked well enough. When the two of them started talking to each other, her eyes locked on Lexa and Clarke across the room. She saw Clarke’s cheeks flush at something Lexa whispered in her ear. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s pathetic, isn’t it?” someone asked from behind her. “The two of them, I mean.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya turned to see who had spoken. Her eyes immediately soaked in the woman’s deep brown eyes. The woman smirked at her. Anya would never admit it to anyone, including Lexa, but she melted right into the floor. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Pretty much,” Anya said, glancing back at Lexa and Clarke. The two of them were still leaning in close to each other, smiling and laughing. Anya sighed as she turned back to the woman.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m Raven,” she said. “The blonde one is my sister.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m Anya,” she replied. “Lexa is my sister.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, I know,” Raven replied. “Clarke pointed you out to me earlier.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Raven sat back on the arm of the couch which made Anya notice her limp. The brace over her jeans was big and seemed heavy. But Anya did not ask about it even when Raven stared at her expectantly. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you going to offer me a drink or anything?” Raven asked. “I mean, I am </span>
  </em>
  <span>basically </span>
  <em>
    <span>crippled.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya grinned when she saw Raven’s mischievous expression. When Anya handed her a full cup, Raven kept her eyes on the woman as she drank. Anya was sure she had never met anyone like this woman. Raven made her feel things she never had before. Especially when first meeting someone.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m a business major,” Anya said later that night. Raven had dragged her out to a chair on the balcony. Anya still had no idea whose apartment this was. Everyone seemed to know Raven though by the </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>amout</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> of people who stopped and talked to her.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m in an engineering program,” Raven explained. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Really?” Anya asked. “I thought that was only for </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>doctorate</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> students.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It is,” she said.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Anya looked over at her to see if the woman was lying or joking. Raven was doing neither. “That’s... impressive,” she said. “Wow.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Raven was not bragging about it. Anya grinned to herself as she looked down at her lap. This woman felt too good to be true. By the amount of people who knew her, she was popular here. Raven did not seem to like any of them though. She ignored most of them. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But Raven never ignored Anya.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess they hit it off well,” Lexa said, sitting on the porch railing. Clarke had followed her outside when Lexa said she was going to find Anya.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I guess so,” Clarke said with a smile. She knew the look in her sister’s eyes. Raven had a crush.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa and Clarke both looked up when they heard Finn. He stumbled up the stairs and his arm was across another girl’s shoulders. Clarke put her drink down.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I should go get him,” she said, sighing.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa waited for her to return but she never did. She must have taken Finn home and forgot to tell her. It was fine, she told herself. She stood and went to find her sister. Anya and Raven were gone, too. She walked home alone, wishing she was more drunk. Now, she was going to spend all night breaking down all her interactions with Clarke.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>As Lexa lay in bed, she thought of the girl who had given Lexa her number the day before. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>‘Hi, Costia,’ Lexa typed. ‘It’s Lexa. What are you doing?’</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i wrote this while watching katie kaden's and destiny rayne's performance together on 'the voice', it's incredibleand im addicted</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. parenthood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Clarke knew something was wrong the moment Raven stepped into her house the next day. If Raven visited during the weekend, it was usually on Sundays and not the day after their dinner. Clarke knew her sister well enough to know when something was upsetting her but the way her shoulders </span>
  <span>slumped</span>
  <span> and she limped more heavily. It was </span>
  <span>some kind of self-pity</span>
  <span> thing with her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s my favorite boy,” Raven said as she fell back on the couch.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley smiled at her from where he stood in front of his play desk and little kitchen. Clarke was dreading the day she had to get rid of his little kitchen. He was so cute playing with it.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Aunt Raven,” he said, walking over to her and jumping on the couch. “Where’s Aunt Anya?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She stayed at home this time, bud,” Raven answered.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It answered Clarke’s question. Something had happened with Anya according to her sister’s tone. Lexa had talked to Anya last night alone, so she figured Lexa knew what was going on and had not told her. It must be something big.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke poured Raven a mug of hot tea and carried it into the living room. Once they both had a warm mug, Clarke sighed. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s going on?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does something have to be wrong for me to visit my sister and my nephew?” Raven asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course not,” Clarke replied. “But there is something wrong this time. I can tell.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley ran back into the living room to show them something, so they were distracted for a few minutes. After he was gone, they sat in silence for a little while. Clarke did not want to push her to say </span>
  <span>anything</span>
  <span> but she was getting more worried by the second.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anya </span>
  <span>proposed</span>
  <span>,” Raven said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was about to jump up and down with joy. She was excited to plan a wedding with Raven because she never thought her sister would </span>
  <span>actually </span>
  <span>get</span>
  <span> married. But when she looked over at Raven, the woman did like look happy at all.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not wearing a ring,” Clarke said. “You said no?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She only asked me because I brought it up the other day,” she said. “She didn’t ask me because she wants to get married.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait... I’m confused,” Clarke said, rubbing her forehead. “You wanted her to propose and when she did you said no?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want her to propose because she wants to marry me,” Raven explained. “Not because I want her to.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doesn’t it mean something though that she proposed even though she doesn’t really want to get married?” Clarke asked. “I mean, she doesn’t like </span>
  <span>marriage</span>
  <span> but she loves you enough to want to marry you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven laid her head back on the couch and sighed. She closed her eyes before speaking, “I just thought... I wished it would’ve been more romantic. Her proposal, I mean. She just held out the ring and said ‘marry me’ while we were both working on the couch. I don’t know. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe I’m being stupid.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” Clarke said, reaching for her sister’s hand. “You’re not being stupid. If it’s something you want, then it isn’t stupid. Anya... you know she’s never been overly romantic.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Anya and Lexa were opposites in that respect. Where Lexa was romantic, Anya was not. Where Anya was jealous, Lexa was not. Raven was into Anya’s jealously though. Mostly, Anya did it so they could have “hot, makeup sex” as her sister described it. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah but this is different,” Raven said. “Anya’s upset with me. I think she’s embarrassed. I didn’t mean to embarrass her.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was probably just hard for her to do it,” Clarke said, shrugging. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa came into the house from the garage. She kissed Clarke over the back of the couch. Clarke grinned as she watched Lexa getting down to her button up and dress pants. Lexa had her hair down today and something about the way she moved it all to one side to get it out of the way was sexy. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’d be pregnant again if Lexa was a guy,” Raven said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked over at Raven in surprise. “What?” she asked. “Please, that’s the last thing we need right now and anyway Lexa is not a guy.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank god,” Raven said, chuckling. “Could you imagine going through medical school while pregnant? And then doing it all with a newborn? No, thanks. I remember what it was like when Riley was born.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke suddenly felt like she was punched in the gut. The baby she had with Lexa could not be both of theirs. Of course, she had already known </span>
  <span>that</span>
  <span> but it felt somehow more </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>now. The child she had with Lexa would not share their blood or share their features. She could not imagine having a baby that was not just like Lexa. She did not </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to imagine it either.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess I’ll have to be the one to give mom and dad another grandchild,” Clarke teased. “That puts a lot of weight on my shoulders, you know.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, that’s all you,” Raven said. “I love Riley to death and I’ll love whoever else comes out of you but that’s not mine and Anya’s story.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven stood and went to find Riley to say goodbye. He followed her all the way to the door and waved through the glass until he could no longer see her car. It was sweet how much Riley loved her. Raven was so soft and sweet with him. Raven could only be described as soft with Riley, Anya, and Clarke. No one else got that side of her. Dad sometimes dragged it out of her unwillingly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sat on their bed after Riley finished his bath and went to bed. “Anya told you she proposed?” she asked as she rubbed lotion on her legs. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, she told me yesterday,” Lexa replied, sitting on the other side of the bed.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I talked to Raven about it,” Clarke said. “She said that she wanted it to be more romantic. I figured you could tell Anya.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“More romantic?” she asked. “I’m not sure Anya would appreciate hearing that. She was really upset yesterday about it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Doesn’t she want to try again?” Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, but it was already hard enough for her to do it the first time,” Lexa said. “She’s never been rejected by Raven before, so it really hurt her feelings.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sighed and laid back on her pillows. She was worried about them, of course, but something else was weighing on her. She turned on her side to watch Lexa read for a while. Lexa could tell she was staring, but it never seemed to bother her anymore. Seeing Lexa in her glasses made Clarke think of a little green-eyed, sweet, beautiful baby. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Clarke whispered, sliding her hand under </span>
  <span>Lexa’s</span>
  <span> tank top to rest on her stomach. “I was thinking about something.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laid her book down on her legs. She ran her fingers through Clarke’s hair for a moment. “What?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Our baby... it won’t be... both of us,” Clarke whispered. She felt a stabbing guilt at even bringing it up, for some reason.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s eyebrows drew together as she looked down at her. “Umm... correct?” she said, confused.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just... I wish it could be,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish it could be, too, but that’s not possible, babe,” Lexa said. She rubbed Clarke’s back for a moment and lifted her book again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke stared at Lexa’s side as she got lost in her own thoughts. There was a nagging thought that had been plaguing her mind </span>
  <span>recently,</span>
  <span> but she had not had the courage to bring it up before. It felt like such a huge decision.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know that you don’t want to have the baby,” Clarke started.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would rather not,” Lexa said. “It would be hard to have a suit tailored like that.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite Lexa’s little laugh, she knew there was more behind it than amusement. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking about something,” Clarke whispered. “What if we... What if I had your baby?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>All the air left Clarke’s lungs and then left the room, too. It was suddenly too hot under the covers like she was having a hot flash. Lexa’s entire body tensed, as she could see even under the covers, and Clarke was terrified to look up at her face.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You want to do that?” Lexa asked, breathlessly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke said, finally looking up at her. “I really do. I want a little Lexa, too.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa smiled and laid her book on the nightstand. She slid down and turned on her side, so they were facing each other closely. Lexa’s thumb ran over her cheek softly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Seeing you carry my baby would be the most amazing thing in the world,” Lexa whispered.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke moved even closer, so their chests and legs were pressed together. She kissed Lexa firmly. Both women could not stop smiling long enough to kiss each other properly.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. mystery woman</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa stared down at the ring she bought for Clarke. She loved it. Instead of keeping it at home where Clarke was liable to find it, Lexa kept it in a locked drawer in her office. She closed the box and put it away again, locking the drawer afterward. She stood and fixed her jacket before walking out of her office, Niylah already had folders ready for her to grab on her way out.  </p><p>“Good luck in court today,” Niylah said as she handed them over. </p><p>“Thank you,” Lexa said. She put the paperwork and folders in her briefcase before stepping into the elevator. </p><p>As she drove, Lexa thought a lot about their talk over the weekend. She had no idea Clarke had even been thinking about her future pregnancy and she definitely had not expected Clarke to say she wanted to have Lexa’s biological child. It was overwhelming and exciting and beautiful. But they still had years before that would be possible. Clarke was only in her first year of a four-year program and then she had three or four years of a residency program. By the end of her program, Riley would be about fifteen. Clarke and Lexa would close to thirty-five. She really did not want to wait that long to have another child.  </p><p>Lexa felt a little overwhelmed by their new routines. She had not expected to feel this way when Clarke started school. Everyone had been so excited before she started but now it felt like the days dragged on and there was no end in sight. She felt guilty for even feeling that way. Clarke had not asked to get pregnant and Riley was the best thing in their lives, but it was stressful to have such an intense career while raising him and supporting Clarke throughout an entire medical program.  </p><p>Being a surgeon was Clarke’s dream just like becoming a lawyer was Lexa’s dream. There had been more obstacles in Clarke’s way when Riley was first born but, now, they shared obstacles.  </p><p>Just having Clarke as a partner made Lexa’s life complete. Even if they never had a child together, Lexa would survive it but it was exciting to think it <em> might  </em>happen one day. It was especially exciting to think about that baby being biologically Lexa's. Riley was a part of Lexa’s entire being. He would always be her own child, but she hoped one day to also have a biological child. Lexa never would have thought that was an option until Clarke suggested it the other night. </p><p>Lexa felt guilty for wishing that Clarke was not in school. They could get married and start trying to have another kid all within the next two years. She only thought about it sometimes and it always made her feel like a bad person. On days when Clarke was too stressed out to do anything but schoolwork and barely eat, Lexa was always there to help her however she could. Lexa would draw baths for her or do all their laundry or do anything Riley needed. But a part of her was scared that this would be their life for the next seven years. </p><p>Her phone rang on the center console and she answered it from the car’s Bluetooth system. “What’s up, Anya?” she asked. </p><p>“Just on lunch,” she said. “Are you busy?” </p><p>“Not for a bit,” Lexa replied. “I’m on my way to the courthouse. How are things with Raven?” </p><p>“Still shitty,” she said. “I don’t know how to make it better. She just... I can’t explain it. She just snaps at me all the time. Like, she expects me to read her mind or something.” </p><p>“She told Clarke that she wanted your proposal to be more romantic,” Lexa admitted.  </p><p>Anya groaned and Lexa could hear her moving around a lot. She had always been uncomfortable talking about her own feelings. It was harder talking about her feelings for Raven because Raven made Anya vulnerable. </p><p>“I’ll guess I’ll rent a damn hot air balloon if that’s what she wants,” Anya said. She was obviously frustrated and embarrassed.  </p><p>Lexa wished she could take Anya’s negative feelings away for her. Anya was the strongest person she knew, and it made Lexa feel off balance to see her sister feeling this insecure.  </p><p>“I just don’t get her right now,” Anya said. “She wanted me to propose, so I do. And she has the nerve to say no? It doesn’t make sense.” </p><p>“I understand how you feel, Anya,” Lexa said. As sad as it was to admit, Lexa had spent years doing anything Clarke had wanted while thinking she would never love Lexa back.  </p><p>“I just feel like she’s making it difficult for some reason,” Anya said, sighing. “Maybe this is a sign that I’m just not meant to get married to anyone.” </p><p>“Oh, so now you’re breaking up with her?” Lexa asked.  </p><p>“No, I just... I don’t know,” she replied. “I’ll figure something out.” </p><p>“Anya, don’t break up with Raven,” Lexa begged. “Just... ask her again. Maybe she’s thought it all through by now.” </p><p>“I have to get back to work but I’ll call you sometime this week,” she said before hanging up. </p><p>Lexa’s heart broke for her sister but all she could so was hope they could work it out before things got to a point of no return. </p>
<hr/><p>Lexa was not surprised at all that Anya never called her as promised. But she was feeling particularly good after her trial today. The client she represented was an affluent person. Lexa had won his case and gotten more than he had even planned for. Her client was now going to give her name to other wealthy people who needed lawyers which was exciting. </p><p>When she got home, Raven’s car was in her driveway behind Clarke’s and she wanted to scream. It felt like they never had an afternoon to just be together with no responsibilities but spend time with each other. Clarke and Raven were on the couch when she arrived. She noticed Raven wiping away tears quickly when Lexa entered the house. She pretended to not notice.  </p><p>“Hey, Rae,” Lexa greeted while resting a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. She put her other hand on the back of Riley’s head as he hugged her around the waist. </p><p>“Hey,” she croaked. “I guess your dumb sister told you she hated me or something?” </p><p>“No, she... Anya could never, ever hate you, Raven,” Lexa said. “Trust me.” </p><p>“Well, I barely got home today before she told me to leave,” Raven said. “I had this whole speech planned out. I was going to apologize but she... she’s being ridiculous.” </p><p>Lexa had no way to respond to that without hurting one of their feelings or throwing her own sister under the bus. They heard a horn honk outside and Lexa was sure she was really going to lose it now. Someone else was here now and they probably had a problem, too.  </p><p>Clarke pulled open the front door and Lexa could see her huge smile. “Raven,” she said. “Someone wants you outside.” </p><p>When Raven got to the front door, her mouth dropped open in shock. Anya was standing beside a motorcycle in their driveway.  </p><p>“What...?” Raven started, walking down the porch steps carefully in her brace. </p><p>“I do want to marry you, Raven,” Anya started. “I want to experience everything with you. You are the absolute love of my life. Whatever you want in this world, I’ll figure out a way to give it to you. You’re the strongest, most beautiful, smartest person I have ever met. You’re the other half of me and I don’t care what those people say about completing yourself or whatever shit like that. You complete me and getting the opportunity to be with you every day for the rest of my life is the best gift I will ever be given in this world. Will you marry me, Raven? Please?” </p><p>Raven stared at her for a long moment, in shock. It was a long enough pause to make Clarke and Lexa nervous but then Raven grabbed Anya’s cheeks to kiss her roughly. It was desperate and primal and absolutely relieving for the two of them still on the porch.  </p><p>Anya slid the ring on Raven’s finger and handed her the keys to the motorcycle. Clarke rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder as she watched the two of them hug and kiss again. It was sweet but also surprising that Anya had done all of this. It did not surprise them that she did it for Raven though. </p><p>“When do I get to ride the motorcycle?” Riley asked from between them. </p><p>“Never,” Clarke answered. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. sex and the city</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke had not been able to properly sleep the past few nights. She could fall asleep fine but then she would wake up from a nightmare or a noise or Lexa moving to her other side. It was frustrating and it was also the last thing she needed with all the hours she spent being stressed out.  </p>
<p>But now it was Sunday and she was wide awake staring at Lexa asleep beside her. She looked at the clock and saw that it was only four in the morning. Clarke had hoped to sleep in a while and catch up on the sleep she missed. Now that she a wake though, all she could think about was the work she had to do today.  </p>
<p>Clarke carefully got out of bed and closed the bathroom door so she could get ready. Once her teeth were brushed, her face washed, and clothes on, she closed their bedroom door so she could go into the living room. She closed Riley’s door, too, because the last thing she needed was for him to be in a bad mood all day from exhaustion.  </p>
<p>When she opened her laptop, she stared at the background of it. It was a picture from last year. Riley’s arms were around Lexa’s neck as she held him. She was kissing his cheek. It made her heart ache to see Lexa so happy. The past few weeks, Clarke had not seen Lexa happy like that.  </p>
<p>Since she had the time, Clarke hoped to finish all her work this morning so they could do something fun as a family later. Riley was sick of spending his weekends cooped up in the house. They had a huge backyard and his swing set, but he liked when they could both be out there with him. </p>
<p>Clarke put a load of laundry in the washer and thought about her mother’s phone call from the night before. </p>
<p><em> “I don’t like your sister’s new motorcycle but Anya’s proposal was so cute, don’t you think?” Abby asked. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Yes, it was adorable,” Clarke replied. “I’m so glad they worked it out. I hated seeing Raven so upset, you know.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “I know, sweetheart,” she said. “You’ve always been very protective of your baby sister.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “Mom, she’s barely six months younger than me,” Clarke said. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Still,” she said. “She’s my baby. It’s nice to see her so happy. Now, we get to plan a wedding. Then it’ll be yours and Lexa’s turn.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “ </em> <em> Mom, </em> <em>  don’t get ahead of yourself,” she said. “Our lives are already busy enough.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “So... you’re never getting married?” Abby asked. </em> </p>
<p><em> “I want to but not right now,” Clarke said. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Is this because you were already married once?” her mom asked. </em> </p>
<p><em> “No,” she said, even though the thought had been in her mind. “We’re just busy.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “Life is always busy,” she said. “Lexa’s never been married. She probably wants to do that soon.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “You never said this stuff to Raven and Anya,” Clarke said, defensively. “They dated for ten years! Lexa and I have only been together for a year and a half.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “They don’t want kids,” Abby said. </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke could not argue with that. Raven and Anya had no rush to get married. They already lived together and shared finances.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “I think I made a mistake, mom,” Clarke said. “School is just too hard to do now.” </em> </p>
<p><em> Abby sighed. “I know it’s hard but, if you want to do, then you can make it all work,” she said. “You shouldn’t put your life on hold for it either.” </em> </p>
<p>Clarke was distracted from her thoughts by the chime of her cell phone. She grabbed it from the kitchen table and saw Gina’s name on her screen. ‘Why are you already online?’ the woman texted. </p>
<p>‘Couldn’t sleep,’ Clarke typed back. ‘Why are you?’ </p>
<p>‘I couldn’t sleep either,’ Gina replied. </p>
<p>Before Clarke knew it, the sun was coming up. She heard the shower come on in their bathroom when Lexa woke up. When done, Lexa padded into the kitchen with her wet hair hanging down her back. Her glasses were gone already. </p>
<p>“Good morning, babe,” Clarke said, grinning. </p>
<p>“You’re up early for a Sunday,” Lexa said. </p>
<p>Clarke stood and poured coffee into Lexa’s favorite mug. They all called it her ‘weekend’ mug. Lexa kissed her quickly as she took it. She went into the living room and sat in the recliner to watch the news. Clarke closed her laptop, forcing herself to stop working for now. She walked into the living room and sat across Lexa’s lap. The woman smiled at her. It was the same smile from the picture with Riley. This smile was Clarke’s favorite. </p>
<p>Lexa wrapped an arm around her waist. “I felt you moving around a lot last night,” she said. </p>
<p>“I had some trouble sleeping,” Clarke admitted.  </p>
<p>Lexa leaned forward to kiss her. The kiss deepened naturally. Clarke moved to straddle her thighs. She was breathless after a few minutes. It had been a few days since they had time to spend any time together without Riley, but he would probably sleep for another hour or so. Lexa slid her hands under Clarke’s thighs and squeezed, teasing her. </p>
<p>“Let’s go to bed,” Clarke whispered against her mouth. </p>
<p>“Yes,” Lexa replied. </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was right on time for class on Monday. Since it was a bit later in the morning than her normal classes, she decided to take Riley to school instead of dropping him off at her parent's house. They went for breakfast at a brunch place in the city and then she dropped him off. It made him so happy which made Clarke happy. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>She took her seat beside Gina who she normally sat by. Gina smiled over at her. She had enjoyed her morning with Riley so much that she wished she were still with him. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>After class, they agreed to meet in the library to study for their test since they had time until lab started. Gina struggled the most in their biology classes but not as much as she thought she did. Clarke was jealous of how easy everything seemed to come to her. Gina did not even have doctors in her family like Clarke.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was Riley happy you dropped him off today?” Gina asked as they pulled out their textbooks and laptops.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke said with a smile. “We went to breakfast this morning, too. He’s so big. I miss when he was just a little baby.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you really?” she asked. “Babies are a lot.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They are a handful, but I do miss it,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want another one?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke said. “Lexa and I are going to have another. It’ll be </span>
  <span>hers</span>
  <span> though.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“She’s carrying it?” Gina asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I am,” she replied.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Gina said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke could not read her expression, but they did not talk much after that. Normally, they would share ideas or talk about what confused them, but Gina seemed distracted today. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she got home with Riley that afternoon, Lexa was already there. Dinner was almost done, so they all sat around the table. Clarke talked about school, Lexa talked about an exciting case she was working on now, and Riley talked about his science project they were doing at school. He was growing a plant and he broke down the changes to them every day.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They loaded the dishwasher together afterward while Riley did his homework.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gina was being weird today,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How so?” Lexa asked as she put the last cup away and closed the dishwasher to start it.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” she said. “We were just talking about babies and then she got all weird and silent.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Babies?” Lexa asked, her eyebrows drawn together.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said. “Our babies. Riley and our future Lexa baby.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The term still made Lexa blush and smile. “Well, she probably got all weird because she has a crush on you,” Lexa said, shrugging.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Gina does not have a crush on me,” Clarke said. “I would know if she did.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke... no offense, but </span>
  <span>you’re</span>
  <span> kind of blind to stuff like that unless someone comes right out and says it,” Lexa said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would know, Lexa,” she said, scoffing.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t know I did,” Lexa argued. “And I was in love with you. Hell, I was in love with you for like... eight years and you didn’t know.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke rubbed at her eyes and tried to squelch the guilt she still felt about it. “I don’t think Gina likes me like that,” she said. “Plus, she knows I’m with you and we have a kid together.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, yeah but... Riley isn’t biologically mine and, if you left me, I wouldn’t get custody or anything,” Lexa said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll never, ever leave you, Lexa,” Clarke said, frowning at the thought. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even if they broke up, Riley would still want Lexa in his life. Lexa was such a positive influence on him. She was the second father/mother figure Riley never had. Riley wanted to grow up and be exactly like her. He made sure everyone knew it, too. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope not but it’s true,” Lexa said. “I would know. If you had my child, the baby would be both of ours. If I was vindictive, I could probably get full custody since I will be the biological mother, but I would never do that.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, Lexa,” Clarke said. “And I would never take Riley from you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa leaned forward and kissed her softly. “I love you,” she said. “But you aren’t good at knowing when people like you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke hummed and put her hands on either side of Lexa’s face. “I only want you forever and ever,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And I only want you,” Lexa said.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. all my children</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Winter came much too quickly in Clarke’s opinion. Before she knew it, Riley was on his two-week break from school. Clarke’s school break lined up with his which meant they got an entire week to spend together. The snow melted enough for her to feel more comfortable driving, so she loaded Riley into the car and drove to the city. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is momma’s office up high?” Riley asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, her office is on the twentieth floor in her building,” Clarke replied. “We’ll get to take the elevator up.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s stomach was in knots as they got closer to Lexa’s office. Things had been tough lately with Clarke’s school hours, so Lexa finally broke down and hired a maid. Clarke had to admit that it was nice to come home at night to a clean house. It took a lot of pressure from her. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>One day when she was going through Riley’s backpack and take-home folder, the name at the top of it caught her eyes. Clarke sat down with her son to talk about it and have since been thinking about taking a big step in their relationship. It was probably the scariest step they have taken so far. This was serious.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley held her hand all the way up to Lexa’s floor. When they stepped off, she knew he was relieved. Her son was not really a risk-taker. He was more on the nervous side which she always teased Lexa about since she was the same way. Clarke always said Riley got it from her. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>With all the wedding planning she did with Raven, Clarke had started to think more about her future with Lexa. It was exciting to think they would be planning for their own wedding one day. She just hoped it was not too far away. But right now, there was something she wanted to do. It started as a nagging thought but then became a reality when she saw Riley’s school paper.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Momma!” Riley said, running by </span>
  <span>Niylah’s</span>
  <span> office to hug Lexa. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke knew she did not have court or a meeting where she had to leave her office which is why she picked today to visit.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi, sweetheart,” Lexa said, hugging him back. She walked over to kiss Clarke. “Hi, mommy.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke grinned as she kissed her back. “Hi, honey,” she said. “We brought you lunch and a present.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A present?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley stood in front of the glass wall in Lexa’s office. His eyes were wide as he watched cars go by down below and planes fly overhead. Clarke laid the food on Lexa’s desk. She had made Lexa’s favorite soup at home this morning to bring. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa ate some of it until Clarke laid a folder down in front of her. Her hands were sweating and shaky. She was sure her heart was about to pound out of her chest.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s this?” Lexa asked, picking it up.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Open it,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>She looked over at Riley who was sitting on the rug beside her as he ate. He was talking to himself about something she could not hear or understand but it made her grin. Clarke tore her eyes from her son to see </span>
  <span>Lexa’s</span>
  <span> reaction as she skimmed the papers inside.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa stared at it, shocked, for a moment before looking up at Clarke. “You... you want me to adopt him?” she asked breathlessly. She looked back down at the paper. “Riley Jacob Woods. That would be his name? Clarke, I... I don’t know what to say.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke, honestly, had expected a different reaction. “I talked it over with Riley and I think just taking your last name is better,” she said. “When we get married, I mean.” When Lexa still did not reply, Clarke added, “Instead of hyphenating.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, yeah... I know what you mean,” Lexa said. She was still looking at the paper in her hand. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke swallowed thickly and looked over at Riley. “Hey, baby,” she said. “Why don’t you go sit with </span>
  <span>Niylah</span>
  <span> for a moment so mommies can talk.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>He did not argue before leaving the office and closing the door behind him. Clarke tore her eyes from the closed door and looked at Lexa. “You don’t... have to if you’re uncomfortable with it,” she said. “I thought you would want to.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I... I do want to,” Lexa said. “I... I can’t believe you want me to. I’m so happy that you want me to and of course I want him to have my last name. Anything is better than Collins.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was so happy to see her laugh. She reached for Lexa’s hand, relieved. “Then what’s wrong?” she asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to be married before I adopt him,” she said. “And I want to talk to Finn.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I agree with the marriage part,” Clarke said. “But why do you want to talk to Finn?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because if he signs off on it, the adoption will be a million times easier,” she answered. “I’ll handle all of that though. I don’t even want you going to see him with me. I want to talk to him alone.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As much as Clarke wanted to argue with that, she nodded. “If that’s what you want,” she said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Clarke and Riley got home, something was bothering her. She knew Lexa took this adoption very seriously from her reaction and that made Clarke happy. It was not something to take lightly after all. Lexa going to find Finn worried her a little </span>
  <span>bit,</span>
  <span> but she knew it was something they would have to do anyway. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Want to meet to work on our research paper together?’ Gina texted while Clarke made dinner. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke ignored the message for now because she was not sure what to say. Their paper due at the end of the break was hard to do alone, so it would be easier working together, but she was also aware of Lexa’s feelings toward Gina. Lexa was not the jealous type. Despite that, it seemed like Lexa asked about the woman more than anyone else Clarke went to school with. Clarke did understand it though. Even if she did not believe Gina had feelings for her, she would feel the same if Lexa was in the same situation. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>That night, Lexa was laid across the couch with her head in Clarke’s lap. Riley was sleeping on her chest. She grabbed her phone from the table beside her and opened Gina’s text. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘When do you want to meet?’ Clarke replied.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her phone chimed just a minute later. ‘Tomorrow?’ Gina asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa looked up at her when she heard </span>
  <span>Clarke’s</span>
  <span> phone go off. “Don’t tell me it’s something about the wedding,” she said. “Raven’s driving my sister crazy.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke chuckled and shook her head. “No, it’s Gina,” Clarke said. “She wants help with her paper.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, okay,” she said, turning her head back to the TV. Lexa rubbed Riley’s back. “Let’s put him to bed and go back to our room.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley woke up a little when Lexa down him down. They both kissed his head, told him goodnight, and closed his door. Lexa took Clarke’s hand as they walked down the hall. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as they were inside with the door locked, Lexa was on top of her on the bed. Clarke’s legs wrapped around the waist as they kissed, feverishly. They were not this desperate on a normal night. She pulled back breathlessly and pulled at the bottom of Lexa’s shirt. Once it was off, she kissed her again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so hot,” Clarke said against her neck. “What’s gotten into you?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just want you,” Lexa said, unbuttoning Clarke’s jeans and pushing them down her legs. “And I just want you to know that.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked down at her and noticed Lexa’s intense, thoughtful expression. It was gone as quickly as it came, so she ignored it for now. They had so much going on, but it was nice to just be together. Clarke wanted to </span>
  <em>
    <span>show </span>
  </em>
  <span>Lexa just how much she loved her. </span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Gina was already sitting at a table when Clarke arrived at the coffee shop. She laid her backpack on the seat beside her and took out her laptop.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hey, how's your break?" Clarke asked.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s been okay,” she said. “I saw my parents which was nice. The road trip was a good distraction.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s good,” Clarke said. “I would kill for a vacation.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me too,” she said, chuckling. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They worked for a while and then took a break to get another iced coffee. She texted her mom to make sure everything was going well with Riley. When she left, Raven was there to let Abby help her pick flowers she wanted. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have this friend who I think would be perfect for you,” Clarke said. “He’s one of my best friends’ brother. He’s </span>
  <span>nice</span>
  <span> and sweet and he’s your age.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Gina shrugged as she kept her eyes on her computer screen. “I’m not looking to date right now,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, if you ever just want someone to hang out with, let me know,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think that will </span>
  <span>happen,</span>
  <span> but I appreciate it,” Gina said with a grin. “I... I thought you knew that I was gay.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I... I didn’t know,” Clarke said. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Things felt strained between them after that, but Clarke tried not to be too weird or awkward. She wondered if she should tell Lexa. Eventually, she decided that she was not going to come right out and tell Lexa but she would not hide it either. It did not matter anyway. It was Gina's business to share. Not Clarke's.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. close to home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Raven insisted they all go with her to try on her wedding dress. Lexa wanted to argue because she did not want to spend an entire Sunday at the bridal shop. But Raven wanted her to try on her suit for the wedding, too. Riley was in the wedding and he needed to try his suit on, too.  </p><p>Clarke was excited though. Lexa was reminded of the ring still in her desk at work. She needed a plan before she proposed. Lexa did not want to screw this up because Clarke deserve her dream proposal. Lexa just was not sure what Clarke’s dream was for this.  </p><p>The only problem about this whole thing was that Lexa knew Clarke’s dress was not going to fit her anymore. She had lost weight since they first got fitted. Thankfully, they had time for more tailoring before the wedding. Lexa was hesitant to bring up the weight loss because she was sure Clarke would not react well about it. It was hard to talk about someone’s weight. Lexa loved Clarke’s body no matter what it looked like, but the sudden weight loss did scare Lexa a little bit. </p><p>“Are you excited to try on your suit?” Clarke asked Riley, turning in the passenger seat to look at him. </p><p>“Yep,” he said as he kicked his feet happily. “Me and momma will look the same.” </p><p>Lexa held Riley’s hand as they walked to the back of the bridal shop where the fitting rooms were. Raven was already sitting in one of the leather chairs in the center and unbuckling her knee brace.  </p><p>“There’s my little ring bearer,” Raven said with a smile.  </p><p>Lexa noted her particularly good mood. All of this was turning Raven into someone she barely recognized. She was happy and it was because of her sister. That made Lexa happy. Lexa and Anya’s parents were involved, too, but Raven had taken on most of the planning. This was not Anya’s thing at all while Raven’s side of the family was more than happy to do it all. </p><p>Riley dragged Lexa into a fitting room once Abby handed her both of their suits. She sat on the bench inside and got Riley dressed first. Just looking at him made her eyes well up with tears. He was too big. He was too smart and handsome and caring. It overwhelmed her.  </p><p>“You look so handsome, baby,” Lexa said as she got herself ready.  </p><p>“I need to go find mommy and show her,” he said. “Why doesn’t mommy wear a suit, too?” </p><p>“Because mommy likes dresses,” Lexa explained. “Raven and grammy like dresses, too. Lincoln and I like suits.” </p><p>“Charlotte says mommies can’t wear suits,” he said.  </p><p>Lexa sighed as she sat down again to get her shoes on. “Some people think that,” she said. “But people can wear whatever they want. It doesn’t matter.” </p><p>Lexa looked at herself in the mirror and fixed her hair as much as she could. Clarke covered her mouth when she saw Riley in his little suit. Her smile was so wide and happy. She could not even find the words to express herself at first. </p><p>“Look at you,” Abby said, crouching down in front of Riley. “My handsome little man.” </p><p>Lexa thought he looked too much like his father, but she agreed that he was the most beautiful child she had ever seen. She was not being biased about that either.  </p><p>Suddenly, Clarke was behind Lexa with her hands on her waist. “You look so sexy,” she whispered in her ear.  </p><p>“Thanks, baby,” she replied. “Where is your dress? I thought you were going to put it on.” </p><p>“I have to get it tailored first,” Clarke said. “Raven wanted to see, but it just looked terrible on me.” </p><p>“I guess I haven’t been feeding you properly,” Lexa said. “You need to start bringing food to school, sweetheart.” </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes like she always did when Lexa said anything about her eating. If Clarke was not careful, the stress could cause an ulcer or something and that was scary. There was so much they rarely talked about anymore. Clarke felt like her stress was a burden even though Lexa tried to explain to her that it was not. But Lexa knew she could not keep letting Clarke lose weight like she had the past six months. It seemed like she was five pounds lighter every month.  </p>
<hr/><p>“Lexa, you’re even skinnier than I am,” Clarke argued later that night.  </p><p>“But I’ve always been skinny,” Lexa said. “Why do you think I’m always working out? I wish I wasn’t this skinny.” </p><p>Clarke groaned. “Don’t give me that, Lexa,” she said. “Do you not like my body now? Is that what this is about?” </p><p>“Of course not!” Lexa replied. “Why would you even think that? I’m just worried about you. I don’t want you to be so stressed that you get sick or something. That’s why you’re losing weight.” </p><p>Clarke rolled her eyes as Lexa saw in the bathroom mirror from their bed. She watched as Clarke started the shower.  </p><p>“You worry about your weight and I’ll worry about mine,” Clarke said. </p><p>“I will always worry about you,” she said. “And I know you would worry about me if I was the one who dropped two dress sizes in three months.” </p><p>“How did you know that?” Clarke asked. </p><p>“Because your mom told me,” she replied. “Abby’s worried about you. Raven is, too. I’m not trying to be dramatic or upset you, Clarke.” </p><p>Clarke closed and locked the bathroom door without replying again. It was frustrating because Lexa was only trying to express her fears. She read until Clarke finally emerged from the bathroom. The blonde got into bed with her and turned the TV on. They stayed that way for a while in silence. </p><p>“I feel guilty every single day,” Clarke whispered. “I feel guilty for the money. I feel guilty for taking time away from you and Riley. I feel guilty for not keeping up with the house. I feel guilty for putting my family through this when there are so many other things we want, too. That’s what stresses me out. Every night I have to stay out late for a class or lab or just to study, I feel so guilty that I feel nauseous.” </p><p>Lexa sighed. “I wish you didn’t feel that way,” she said. “You shouldn’t. You gave up so much when you had Riley. I know you wouldn’t change that but he’s old enough to understand now. He wants his mommy to be happy. I want you to be happy.” </p><p>“You make me happy,” Clarke said. She turned on her side and held Lexa’s hand to her chest. It was comforting. “You and Riley.” </p><p>“You make me happy, too,” Lexa said. “Please don’t feel guilty anymore. Riley and I aren’t missing any time with you. I know there are things we want. We’ll get all of those things.” </p><p>“I want to marry you, Lexa,” Clarke said, laying her head on Lexa’s chest. “I want you to adopt Riley. I want to have your baby. We can’t wait forever to do all those things.” </p><p>“We won’t,” Lexa said, kissing her head. “I promise.”</p>
<hr/><p>Lexa knocked on Abby and Jake's door the weekend. She had Riley with her, too, to give Clarke the house to herself as a little break. She had drawn Clarke a bath before she left and added the bath salts that she liked. Lexa had told Clarke she was visiting her parents because Riley missed them. It was true but Lexa had another reason to be here, too.  </p><p>Lexa wanted to ask Jake for his blessing to marry Clarke.  </p><p>Clarke had never said that she wanted or needed that but Lexa respected Jake. Jake had always done everything for Clarke. He loved her more than anyone, so it had been her plan all along to ask when the time was right.  </p><p>“Hi, pappy,” Riley said, climbing into his grandfather’s recliner to lay on Jake. “You miss me?” </p><p>Jake chuckled and kissed his head. “I missed you like crazy,” he said.  </p><p>“Good, me too,” Riley said.  </p><p>Lexa sat on the couch and smiled at the two of them together. She was nervous. The feeling of the ring box in her pocket was not helping either.  </p><p>“Riley, come help grammy in the kitchen,” Abby called. </p><p>Lexa pulled the ring box out of her pocket when he was gone. Jake grinning, knowingly. She laid it on the coffee table and took a deep breath. Lexa had not been nervous like this in a long time. </p><p>“I came here because... I plan on asking Clarke to marry me,” she said. “She’s... she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I have loved her for... I guess about nine years now. I want your blessing before I do. I would die for her or Riley. I just... I love them a lot.” </p><p>By the time she finished with her speech, Lexa was almost crying. Jake was smiling at her and he swiped the ring box from the coffee table.  </p><p>“You definitely have my blessing, Lexa,” Jake said. “I don’t want my baby girl with anyone else. This ring is gorgeous. Clarke’s going to love it.” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. mad love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you want for lunch, baby?” Lexa asked her son. </p>
<p>Riley looked up from the coloring page their waitress laid on the table. “Grilled cheese,” he said as he picked up a new crayon. </p>
<p>Lexa ordered their lunches and gave the waitress her menu. “I have to talk to you about something,” she said. “Can you look up at me for a little bit?” </p>
<p>Riley’s tongue stuck out a bit as he finished coloring the fish he was working on. Once he was done, Riley put his crayons down.  </p>
<p>“Do you know what it means when we say that Aunt Raven and Anya are getting married?” she asked. </p>
<p>“They get dressed up,” Riley explained. “And they love each other like mommy says.” </p>
<p>“They do love each other,” Lexa said. “But being married is a lot more than that. They love each other so much that they want to be together forever.” </p>
<p>Lexa knew Riley still did not grasp how serious it was because he really had no concept of what forever meant but he nodded. She reached out and laid her hand over Riley’s. </p>
<p>“How would you feel if I asked your mommy to marry me?” Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>“So, you would stay with me forever?” he asked, his eyes widening. </p>
<p>“Sweetheart, I will stay with you forever no matter what,” she replied. “But I want to be with mommy forever, too. You can’t tell her about this though, okay?” </p>
<p>“Okay,” he said, picking up his crayon again.  </p>
<p>“I love you, Riley,” Lexa said. </p>
<p>“I love you too, momma,” he said with a smile. </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> sat down on the side of Lexa’s bed. They both knew this was not working, and neither could pretend that it was. It had not worked when they were twenty-two and it was not going to work now either. When </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> had reached out to her a few weeks ago, Lexa had thought it would be a second chance to rekindle the good things from their relationship. She had conveniently forgotten all the bad parts. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They both stared at their hands or the ground for a long time. Lexa felt so guilty for doing this to her again. It had been easier to do then because she was motivated by the divorce. But this time, Lexa </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>had no motivation</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> to keep trying. It just did not make sense. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> was good to her. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> really did love Lexa. She was beautiful and smart and selfless. Maybe it was her selflessness that Lexa had taken advantage of.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why have you still not told her?” Costia asked.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t know,” Lexa admitted. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“She’s the only person in this world that you’re scared of,” she said, sighing. “You take on the most intimidating people in court and aren’t scared at all. But you’re terrified of her.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa rubbed at her eyes. She just wanted this to be over, but she owed </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> this conversation. Lexa had put her through too much.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Those people don’t scare me because they won’t </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>matter</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> after that day,” Lexa said. “Clarke will always matter to me. You’ll always matter to me, too.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I wish I mattered more, but this isn’t all your fault,” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> said. “I knew that she isn’t someone you could just </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>move</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> on from. You can’t even miss one Friday with her.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It isn’t just about her,” she said. “But I understand what you mean. It’s just... I just love her.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes when she started to cry. She had wasted over half of her twenties loving someone who did not love her back. But Lexa could never think of any moment spent with Clarke as a waste. It was not like she wanted this. Lexa tried to get over her. She tried to use other women to fill the void Clarke left inside of her but, every moment she spent with them, Lexa wished she were with Clarke instead. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and tell her how you feel,” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> said, firmly.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Don’t you think we would have already been together if she felt anything for me?” she asked. Lexa thought of the first and only night they were together. She still thought about it constantly. “It’s not like I haven’t tried.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re the one wasting your time,” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> said. “If that’s okay with you, then keep doing your subtle things or whatever. But if I were you, I would rather try something and be rejected than never try.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The thought of Clarke rejecting her was </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>gut-wrenching</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>. She could never risk that. “Maybe by time we are forty, I’ll work up the courage to say something,” she joked but there was no humor in it. </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Maybe,” </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> said. “I just hope she doesn’t find someone else to marry before you do find the courage.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m going to marry her, </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>,” Lexa said confidently. “Or else I’ll never get married.”</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I so hope you’re right about that, Lexa,” she replied. “I want you to be happy.” </span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa walked her to the door of her apartment. They knew this would be the last time they would ever see each other. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>Costia</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> leaned in and kissed her slowly. Lexa held her waist as she kissed back. It was not sad. It was not happy either. It was just a goodbye. When they pulled away, Lexa watched her until she was out of sight.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lexa vowed to do something about her feelings for Clarke. She could not let Clarke marry someone </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>else.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span> Lexa’s heart could not take it again.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Clarke, are you almost ready to leave?” Lexa called down the hall. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, one second!” she replied from the bathroom. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa felt like she was going to throw up. She had been wishing for this day since she was eighteen. The day Lexa met Clarke was the day her entire world flipped upside down and she would have never imagined their life together would be anything close to this amazing. She had no way of predicting Clarke would ever love her back.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked breathtaking as she walked down the hallway of their house. Lexa had brought this dress home for her to wear tonight since Clarke did not have any that fit her new body. Since realizing how much weight she had lost, Clarke’s been better about eating properly. She seemed less stressed and anxious too which made Lexa happy. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Raven and Anya arrived right on time and Lexa could tell they had sex before coming over. Both had wet hair and goofy grins. She rolled her eyes when she saw them.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Riley, baby, come say bye-bye to mommies,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Riley ran down the hallway and wrapped them both in a hug. They took turns kissing him and then he went back to his playroom. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They hardly ever had a proper date night. Lexa could not remember when their last date was. It was nice to be able to be alone with her without guilt or worrying about Riley or without being rushed. Raven and Anya did not care how long they stayed out. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa reached for Clarke’s hand as they walked to the car and pulled open the door for her. She always tried to open the door for Clarke when they rode together. She never wanted Clarke to think Lexa was not thinking about and appreciating her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they were stopped at a red light halfway to the restaurant, Lexa reached back and grabbed a bouquet of pink roses. “These are for you, my love,” she said, laying them on her lap.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke’s eyes lit up. She could not believe it still surprised her by these little things. Lexa was overjoyed that she could do this for Clarke now and hopefully forever. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Lexa,” she said, smiling. “You’re my sweetest girl.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m all yours, Clarke,” she said, lacing their hands together. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s nervousness grew smaller and smaller until it was gone completely. As she sat across from her beautiful woman in this nice restaurant, she thought again about how lucky she was in her life. They ate and talked quietly. Clarke wanted to know about all the cases she was working on now and Clarke told her about school. When she talked about school, Clarke’s eyes lit up.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have something else for you,” Lexa said, reaching into her blazer jacket to take out a large envelope. She held it out for Clarke.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Clarke realized it was Riley’s </span>
  <span>new</span>
  <span> birth certificate, she immediately started to cry. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I asked to meet with him and lawyers, but he denied,” Lexa said. “Finn terminated his rights through his lawyer. Don’t cry, sweetheart.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa reached out and rubbed Clarke’s free hand. The woman wiped her tears away, laughing softly at herself, and shook them away.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You and Riley are my entire life,” Lexa said. “Being his mother is going to be one of the best experiences of my life. It already has been. I just hope you know how much I love him. I love him like he’s my own baby.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, Lexa,” Clarke said. “Riley loves you as much as he would if you gave birth to him honestly.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love being his momma,” she said. “And I want to be your wife, too. I have no idea how I can describe how much I love you but I’m going to try.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke</span>
  <span> did not bother holding back or hiding her tears now.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I remember exactly what you were wearing the first time I met you,” Lexa said. “I remember how your hair was half up. I remember the smile on your face when Lincoln introduced me to you. The day you told me you were pregnant with Riley, I just wanted so badly to help and be there for you. It killed me to see how scared you were because I knew that you would be a fantastic mom. You were born to be a mother. You’re the person who I want to be the mother of my children. You’re the person I want to laugh with every day. You’re the person I want to spoil every day. I have loved you for so long and I will love you for the rest of my life. I can only hope you’ll love me half as much as I love you. Clarke Abigail Griffin, will you marry me?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Clarke said through her tears. “I want so badly to marry you, Alexandria.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laughed a bit when Clarke said her full </span>
  <span>name,</span>
  <span> but she was mostly relieved and overwhelmed with joy. She lifted the ring from its box and slid it on her left hand. Lexa kissed the finger it now sat on and would sit on forever. There was no way she was <em>ever</em> letting Clarke go.</span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. doc</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke could not believe that this ring, the one now on her left hand, was hers. This ring was everything she had ever wanted in an engagement ring and the person giving it to her was someone Clarke never imagined herself getting the chance to marry. Lexa was the only <em> woman  </em>Clarke had ever truly wanted to be with.  </p>
<p>Before meeting Lexa, Clarke had only had sex with one other woman. It was just after she graduated high school. She had not been brave enough to date a woman in high school despite having plenty of crushes. In college, she had sex once with another woman. It was a few weeks after meeting Lexa. The only way Clarke could get off with her was by thinking of Lexa instead. After meeting Lexa, all Clarke’s sexual experiences with other people were ruined by her.  </p>
<p>Clarke really did love Finn. But just because she loved him did not meant she could not also love Lexa. She had loved Lexa then, but she was confused and scared. It was not a good excuse for losing all those years with her when she could have been so much happier. Having Riley was worth dating Finn. Marrying Finn had been a mistake. There was no other word to describe their marriage.  </p>
<p>Clarke often spent time with Lexa and Costia while they dated in college. She remembered how desperately jealous she was of Costia. Lexa was always doing nice things for her. Lexa would pull out chairs, hold open doors, and get things for Costia before she even had to ask. Lexa had done things for Costia that her husband never once did for Clarke.  </p>
<p>It may have been the fear that caused her to hide her feelings for Lexa. She got so good at faking being happy around them that Lexa must have believed she really was.  </p>
<p>After Finn cheated on her, she had a toddler to raise. Riley was all she cared about for a long time. Her heart was broken from the cheating and the title of a divorcee. She was too young to have been married and divorced, in her own opinion. Clarke beat herself up about it. She felt like it was her fault that her son would grow up with only one parent.  </p>
<p>Looking back, she realized that all those experiences led her to this life she had now. Clarke and Riley were incredibly lucky to have Lexa. It was amazing to think about how jealous she used to be of Costia. She was convinced that she would never have a relationship like that. </p>
<p>Clarke looked down at the ring on her hand and was reminded that she had an even better relationship than she ever imagined she could have.  </p>
<p>“Did you hear me, Clarke?” Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>Clarke looked up when she heard her name. “Sorry,” she said. “What?” </p>
<p>“I said that we should try to plan for a vacation this summer,” Lexa said. “We can rest after our sisters’ wedding and then start planning our own.” </p>
<p>“Yes, we should do that,” she said.  </p>
<p>Lexa fell back on the other side of the couch and lifted Clarke’s feet into her lap. Clarke groaned as she started to massage them. “You were staring at your ring again, weren’t you?” Lexa asked, smirking. </p>
<p>Clarke smiled. “I was,” she said. “I was just thinking about you and stuff.” </p>
<p>“Yeah?” she asked. “Hmm, I was thinking about you too.” </p>
<p>“I want to get you a ring,” Clarke said. “I want everyone to know that you belong to me and me alone.” </p>
<p>Lexa chuckled and nodded. “I think I would like that,” she said. “Everyone knows I belong to you only. Trust me.” </p>
<hr/>
<p>Clarke sat down at her usual seat in class. Gina had not arrived yet which was unusual. Normally, Clarke was the one to arrive just before their class started. Just as their professor told them to take out their laptops, Gina took her seat. Clarke looked over at her, questioningly.  </p>
<p>“Traffic,” Gina said. </p>
<p>They went for coffee after class since they had an hour before lab. Clarke saw Gina’s face the moment she noticed the ring now on her finger. </p>
<p>“You’re engaged?” she asked. </p>
<p>Clarke grinned and nodded. “Lexa asked me this weekend,” she said. </p>
<p>“That’s... that’s great, Clarke,” Gina said. She stared at the ring for a few seconds. “It’s huge. Lexa must have money.” </p>
<p>“She’s worked very hard,” Clarke said. “She’s a lawyer.” </p>
<p>“Wow,” Gina said. “A lawyer and a doctor. You two are overachievers.” </p>
<p>Clarke chuckled at that and shook her head. Gina was not acting the way she normally did when they went for coffee. Clarke felt dread. Her stomach hurt like it did when she felt anxious about something. Clarke had not wanted to believe Lexa was right about Gina. A part of her still did not believe it. </p>
<p>“I should go,” Gina said, standing. “I have to stop by the library before lab. I’ll see you there, okay?” </p>
<p>Before Clarke could reply, she was gone.  </p>
<p>Clarke called Lexa on her way to class but it went to voicemail. She told Lexa that she missed her and loved her before hanging up the phone. Just knowing Lexa would hear Clarke's voice was enough to tide her over until she got home.</p>
<p>When she got to the lab, Gina was not sitting in her normal seat. She was sitting with someone else instead. There was an unspoken agreement in college that everyone got the same seat they always did but Gina had broken that just to get away from Clarke. It was upsetting. </p>
<p><span class="TextRun SCXW267056227 BCX0"> <span class="NormalTextRun SCXW267056227 BCX0">As the hour passed, Clarke grew more nervous. She had a feeling that Gina would want to talk to her after and she was dreading the conversation. Clarke knew that things would never be good between them again. They could no longer be alone with each other. They could no longer go get coffee without it feeling like a date to Clarke. She wished Gina did not feel this way about her. Gina was the closest person she had at school. </span> </span> <span class="EOP SCXW267056227 BCX0"> They worked well together because they were both hard workers. Now, Clarke would always feel awkward around her.</span></p>
<p>
  <span class="EOP SCXW267056227 BCX0">She felt incredibly awkward right now because Clarke could feel Gina's gaze on the back of her head. The feeling made it impossible to concentrate.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>When Clarke got to her car, she breathed out a sigh of relief. But just as she got comfortable, she heard someone clear their throat from behind her. Gina was twisting her keys around her finger. She looked between the ground and Clarke. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry," she said. "But I don't think we can be friends anymore. I don't want to put you in a weird position. I don't want to be alone with you anymore. I've fought hard against... everything to not mess up our friendship but... I just can't do it anymore, Clarke."</p>
<p>Clarke had no idea how to reply to that. She opened and closed her mouth a few times. "I... I'm sorry, too," she said. "I think you're right."</p>
<p>Gina nodded and rubbed at her eyes. "I'm glad you're happy," she said. "Lexa's really lucky."</p>
<p>"I am happy," Clarke whispered. It hurt her heart to see Gina's pained expression because she knew this had to be hard for Gina to do at all. She was much braver than Clarke ever was. "And I'm sorry. I know you'll find someone. Someone better than me."</p>
<p>Gina scoffed but she was, at least, smiling now. "Not possible, Griffin," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow."</p>
<p>While Clarke cooked that night, she kept looking over at Lexa working at the table. The conversation with Gina weighed heavily on her mind. She felt guilty as if she had done something wrong. </p>
<p>Riley talked the entire time they ate which took some of the pressure off of her. She sat the laundry basket on the table when they were done and started to fold laundry. She needed something to do.</p>
<p>"Lexa, we need to talk," Clarke said.</p>
<p>Lexa sat back down at the table and started sorting socks. "Sounds serious," she said. "What's wrong?"</p>
<p>"I... You were right about Gina," Clarke finally said. </p>
<p>"What does that mean?" Lexa asked. </p>
<p>"She got upset when she found out we were engaged," she answered. "And... she basically said we can't be friends anymore and we can't be alone together. I agreed with her."</p>
<p>"Huh," Lexa said, keeping her eyes down on the socks she was folding together.</p>
<p>"I don't want you to be upset," Clarke said, sighing. </p>
<p>"I just don't understand how you can be friends with someone for almost a year and not know they're gay or bi or whatever Gina is," Lexa replied.</p>
<p>"She's gay," Clarke said. "And I knew that. She told me a while ago."</p>
<p>Lexa stared at her for a moment and Clarke knew she had done something wrong. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Because, Lexa, it didn't matter to me," Clarke said. "I don't care that she's gay or straight or bi or anything else."</p>
<p>"I understand that, Clarke, but you still could have told me," she said. "It almost feels like you were keeping it from me for some reason."</p>
<p>Clarke felt her body flush with frustration. "Do you not trust me?" she asked.</p>
<p>"I do trust you," Lexa replied. "I don't trust <em>her</em>. And you knew all along how I felt about her and you still kept that from me. It's just... confusing. I don't understand why you wouldn't have told me besides there being a reason for that."</p>
<p>Clarke had no reply. She was upset that Lexa even remotely believed Clarke would want to cheat. Clarke did not even notice other people when she had Lexa to go home to. She packed the clothes back into the laundry basket and laid it on top of the washer again.</p>
<p>"You're mad at me, Clarke? Really?" Lexa asked. "You're the one who lied to me."</p>
<p>"I lied to you?" she asked. "No, I didn't!"</p>
<p>"It feels like you did," Lexa said. </p>
<p>When Clarke did not immediately respond, Lexa started back to their bedroom. Clarke heard the door close. She slumped into a kitchen chair and put her hands over her face. Her heart was pounding. She felt so incredibly sad. </p>
<p>Despite her feelings, Clarke gave Riley a bath. She read him two books. She sang songs and cuddled him until he finally fell asleep. </p>
<p>When she went into their bedroom, Lexa was reading. Her hair was wet from her shower. But Clarke noticed the way Lexa refused to look at her. It terrified her. Lexa had never been this upset with her before.</p>
<p>"Sweetheart, please talk to me," she said, sitting on her own side of the bed.</p>
<p>"I would rather not right now," Lexa said. "I think we need a little space before we discuss this further."</p>
<p>"You're using your lawyer voice," Clarke said. Normally, she only talked like that in a joking manner unless she was in court. This was serious.</p>
<p>"I'm upset, Clarke," she said. "And I don't really want to talk to you right now."</p>
<p>Lexa reached over and turned off her lamp. The room was now too dark for Clarke to see. Instead of arguing further, she just went into the bathroom and closed the door to get ready for bed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. nightmares & dreamscapes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> “Lexa, I can’t do this anymore,” Clarke said with tears in her eyes. “I can’t live here anymore. I don’t want to. I don’t want you.” </em> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Please, Clarke,” Lexa begged. She was on her knees in front of the woman. She grabbed the hand where Clarke’s ring still sat. “Please. You can’t leave me. You’re everything to me. I’ll do anything, I'll be anything you want me to be. Just please don't leave me."</em>
</p>
<p><em> Clarke pulled her hand away roughly. Once she was not touching Lexa, she slid the ring off her hand and let it fall to the ground. Lexa glanced down at where it now lies on their kitchen floor. Clarke lifted Riley from the couch and carried him to the door.  </em> </p>
<p><em> There was never a more heartbreaking sight than Clarke carrying their son out the front door to not return. </em> </p>
<p><em> Days passed as Lexa lay in their bed.  </em> <em> Niylah </em> <em>  called but Lexa said to push her meetings back. She could not come into the office when her life was falling apart. Keeping a job does not matter when the world was ending. </em> </p>
<p><em> The first time Clarke came back to drop Riley off, there was no hurt in her eyes. Lexa was a blubbering mess as she tried to explain to Clarke that she had changed and that she could not live without her, but Clarke did not care at all. She just turned her back and started for her car once more.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Someone was in the passenger seat, but Lexa could not make out their face. It was just a blur, but she knew it was Gina. Her heart broke even more. It was shattered now. Her heart would never be complete again. It would never beat normally again. Her heart would constantly pound almost out of her chest as if it, too, wanted to be done with her. </em> </p>
<p><em> Lexa went through the motions of being a mother to Riley. She helped Riley with his homework and cooked dinner for him but then he left her alone to go play. All Lexa could do was sit and stare mindlessly at the television. She felt empty. She  </em> was  <em> empty. </em> </p>
<p><em> She could not sleep because she kept imagining Clarke having sex with another woman. Riley was not there to disturb them.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Riley climbed into her bed around ten. “I  </em> <em> wanna </em> <em>  sleep in here, momma,” he said. “I  </em> <em> wanna </em> <em>  sleep where mommy used to sleep.” </em> </p>
<p><em> All Lexa could do was nod. She turned on her side and she imagined it was Clarke’s weight now on their bed. It made her feel better. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Mommy kisses Gina,” Riley said. “Is Gina  </em> <em> gonna </em> <em>  be my new momma, too?” </em> </p>
<p>
  <em> Lexa screamed. </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>“Lexa! Lexa! Wake up,” Clarke shouted. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa could feel Clarke’s hands all over her now, but she had to pull herself from the dream. Once she did, Lexa pressed her hands to her eyes to keep from crying. She had never felt so depressed as she had in that dream. Even at Clarke’s wedding, she did not feel half as bad as that.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked, worry in her tone.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa nodded her head. “Yes,” she said. “Just... just a bad dream. I’m sorry for waking you up.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t asleep,” Clarke replied. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Clarke,” Lexa said. “I’m sorry for how I reacted. I had no right to be upset with you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke sighed and stared down at her hands. “I should have told you,” she said. “I didn’t because I thought you would think it mattered to me. Her sexuality doesn’t matter to me. Only yours does.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa chuckled but there was no humor in it. “My sexuality is you,” she said. “I just reacted out of fear. It terrifies me to think that there’s a chance you could one day leave me. I'm not saying I think you will, but something could happen. Something could change. There’s always a chance you could leave.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s always a chance you could leave me, too,” Clarke said. “You just have to trust that I won’t. I’m trusting that you won’t leave me, too.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And then I thought about you being married to Finn,” Lexa said. “How you cared for me while still married and I was worried that you harbored secret feelings for her or something. Of course, I would have no way of knowing the truth, but I completely trust you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess I can understand that, Lexa,” she said. “But I don’t. I’m going to be honest... I can only think about you that way. I'm not sure you’ll want to hear this... but I could never have sex with anyone else without wishing it was you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa laid back in their bed and reached for Clarke. Once they were cuddled together, their legs wrapped together. Every part of them was combined. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think </span>
  <span>school</span>
  <span> will be too stressful now,” </span>
  <span>Clarke</span>
  <span> said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t quit,” she said. “I won’t let you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa kissed her forehead. Clarke’s scent overwhelmed her with happiness. She was reminded of how it felt to be alone in their house and how much she did not want that to happen.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Clarke is not going to leave you</span>
  </em>
  <span>,’ Lexa told herself.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke looked up so they could kiss properly. She deepened it easily. Clarke was the one to straddle her legs and pull off the tank top she wore. It was a gorgeous sight to see Clarke sitting on her lap with no shirt on. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Raven and Anya might have a point about this whole makeup sex thing,” Clarke joked. “I need you very, very badly.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>It always amazed Lexa how turned on Clarke got from words alone. Lexa moved her hands up the woman’s thighs. Clarke shivered above her.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want you, too,” she replied. “Forever and ever.”</span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa woke up early and made breakfast the next morning. Riley was happy to have them both before school and he was even happier when Clarke saw they could all go to the park before going out to dinner tonight. Lexa kissed Clarke before they both left for school.</p>
<p>Not a single thought of Gina entered her mind that day.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. all of us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Much to her surprise, Gina was sitting in her normal seat again. Clarke debated sitting somewhere else but decided against it. She hoped they could remain friends. When Gina grinned over at her, she knew that the woman had calmed down from yesterday.  </p><p>A part of Clarke compared Gina to Lexa when they were in college. But Gina did not love Clarke the way Lexa had then. Gina just had a crush. The difference was obvious. It made her a little uncomfortable, but they did need each other when it came to school.  </p><p>Clarke needed Lexa like she needed to breathe. </p><p>The class ended which meant they had an hour until they had to be somewhere else. Normally, they would go study together. She glanced over at Gina. </p><p>“I really don’t want to make Lexa uncomfortable with us being friends,” Gina said. </p><p>“We talked last night,” Clarke admitted. “Lexa isn’t a jealous person. I just... I don’t want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I just don’t feel that way towards you. Lexa knows that.” </p><p>“Good,” Gina said. “I promise not to... do anything. I would never do that. I guess there was a small part of me that hoped... but you’re engaged now which is amazing.” </p><p>“Thank you, Gina,” Clarke said. “And this might not be a great time, but I do know someone who you would probably like. Her name is Niylah. She works with Lex.” </p><p>Gina smiled and nodded. “You can give her my number,” she said. “If you think she’s cute, I’m sure she is.” </p><p>It was such a relief to have the conversation with her. Clarke felt so much better and she hoped Gina did, too. It would take time to move past the awkwardness that lingered between them but at least they were on the same page.  </p>
<hr/><p>Riley was excited to spend the afternoon with them at the park and eating out. They rarely ate anywhere but at home throughout the week, so it was a nice change. After, Clarke sat at the table to work on her speech for Raven's wedding. As the maid-of-honor, she had to speak at the reception. She was not nervous about speaking in front of the people who would be there since it was mostly family and only a few friends. </p><p>"I don't really want to talk about the adoption," Clarke spoke aloud. "I have a few stories from when we were kids."</p><p>"Speaking of, I've never heard the story of her adoption," Lexa said.</p><p>"Raven doesn't like to talk about it," she said. "But her mom was an addict. She was a nurse at my mom's hospital. Raven's mom asked my mom to take her in."</p><p>Lexa rubbed Clarke's back. It was obviously hard for Clarke to talk about. Lexa could not imagine Raven, as a young child, having a mother like that. She did not want to pry, so she did not ask again when Clarke was not forthcoming. It must be hard for Clarke to think about Raven not being her biological sister since they both felt that they were. Lexa and Clarke knew that biological family is not incredibly important. Family comes from loving someone and Raven is completely loved by everyone in her family. </p><p>"Raven completed our family," Clarke said. "My parents had no intention of having more than me but they just didn't know they needed Raven."</p><p>"I agree," Lexa said. "Raven and your dad seem so close."</p><p>"I used to be so jealous of them," she admitted. "They would spend hours in the garage and the basement together fixing stuff. I barely liked Raven when she first moved in with us but I felt like she was taking my dad away. I broke a lot of their things when I tried to help."</p><p>Lexa smiled at that and sat beside Clarke to listen.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>"Mom, where is dad at? I want to show him my picture," Clarke said. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's downstairs with Raven," she replied from the kitchen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke went back to her bedroom and put her picture down on her desk. She did not even bother going down there to see them because they were so busy with whatever they were always working on. Every time she went to help, Clarke felt like they did not really want her there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Clarke?" Jake asked, walking down the hall and towards her bedroom.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What?" she said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I heard you calling for me," he said. "Mom said you wanted to show me something."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's nothing," she said. "What are you and Raven making?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We're fixing your mom's toaster oven," he said. "You should come down and help us. Raven wants you to. She wants to spend time with you, too."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jake coaxed her into joining them. She did not believe that Raven actually wanted her to join them. Clarke did like Raven but Raven did not like her. When she got downstairs, Raven was leaned over a piece of the toaster on her dad's work bench. She was standing on a stool so that she could reach everything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke stood beside her to watch. Raven looked over her shoulder and she could have sworn she saw Raven roll her eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Whatcha doing?" Clarke asked. She moved to the other side of the bench where another stool was and stepped onto it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm unscrewing this hinge," Raven explained.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What's a hinge?" Clarke asked. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Raven let out a long breath and Clarke felt like she was frustrated. "A hinge holds the door on and makes it move," she explained. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke moved her arm and knocked over some stuff on the table. She heard little pieces of metal hit the floor. Her chest tightened as Raven really did groan now. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Clarke!" Raven said, getting down from the stool. "I need all those screws! I'll never find them all now. Why did you even come down here?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I... I..." she mumbled. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke turned and ran back up the stairs. She had known it was a bad decision but she trusted her dad. He was the one who liked Raven more now anyway. He used to call her his 'little helper' but now he called Raven that. The difference was, Raven actually helped him. Clarke just liked talking to him while he worked. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She closed her bedroom door and went back to her desk. Clarke wished she had never gone downstairs. Her dad came in and told her that Raven had not meant it but Clarke knew the truth. She kept her eyes on her drawing until he finally went away again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Honey," Abby said, sitting on her bed later that evening. "Your daddy told me what happened. I know you just wanted to help."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke sniffled and wiped her nose with her sleeve. "I just want to color," she said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maybe you can ask Raven to color with you," Abby suggested. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Raven hates me," Clarke said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"She does not hate you, baby," she said. "Raven is hurting, Clarke. She's in a new house with a new family. She's confused. Working with your daddy makes her happy. It doesn't mean that he loves you any less. We love Raven, too. She's going to be our daughter and your sister soon. We need to show her that we love her. She doesn't mean to hurt your feelings."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke tried to understand but she had been an only child her whole life. She always had her mom and dad whenever she needed them. Now, she had to share them and it was hard for her to adjust.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Raven?" Clarke asked, knocking on her bedroom door that night. "It's Clarke."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know who you are, Clarke," she replied, sighing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When Clarke opened the door, Raven was sitting on her bed. It used to be their guest bedroom but Clarke liked it better with Raven in here instead.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I brought you something," she said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clarke carried two new drawing pads into the room and handed Raven one. She could see on her face that Raven was not really interested. Since Clarke was six months older and in second grade instead of first, she decided that it was her job to make Raven like her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They laid on their stomachs and drew for a while. It was silent for a long time. Clarke finished her picture of a unicorn and went to grab her coloring pencils. Raven had drawn the four of them standing in front of their house. They were stick people and the house was just a square but Clarke thought it was beautiful. Clarke did not say anything because she knew Raven would only roll her eyes. The both of them fell asleep on Raven's bed a while later.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next morning, Raven's picture was stuck to their fridge. Clarke thought Raven would take it down but it stayed there for a long time. Eventually, it was framed and hung on their living room wall.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter is dedicated to Leelan22 who gave me the incredible Niylah/Gina idea :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. married with children</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The week before Raven and Anya’s wedding, Clarke was stressed. Lexa could tell that she had too much on her plate and she was bound to snap at some point. Lexa just hoped Clarke snapped on her and no one else. Lexa could handle Clarke in the worst of moods. Riley, her parents, and Raven certainly did not need to deal with a stressed-out Clarke. </p>
<p>Clarke walked out of their bedroom when her dress on. She carried the matching heels in her hand to the living room.  </p>
<p>“What do you think?” she asked, twirling in front of Lexa on the couch. </p>
<p>“I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world,” Lexa said. </p>
<p>Clarke rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. “Be serious,” she said. “What do you think about the dress? I’m glad Raven went with a light color. I like the blue.” </p>
<p>“I like it, too,” Lexa said. “You in heels... hmm, what a sight.” </p>
<p>“Does this do it for you, babe?” Clarke teased. She twirled again now that she had her heels on.  </p>
<p>“That does a lot for me,” she said, chuckling softly.  </p>
<p>Lexa could not take her eyes off Clarke in her maid-of-honor dress. The blue was such a good choice by Raven. It made her think about Clarke in a wedding dress. Lexa could not wait for that day, but it was her sister’s turn. All Lexa's focus was on them for now. The moment their sisters’ wedding was over, it was Clarke and Lexa’s turn. Lexa was a very patient person. </p>
<p>“It’s going to be hard to not drag you into a linen closet or something at their reception,” Clarke said.  </p>
<p>Lexa hummed at the thought of that. “Unfortunately, we won’t be able to fulfill that dream of yours, but I have a feeling that you will not be getting much sleep that night,” she said. </p>
<p>Clarke straddled her thighs and sat on her lap. She moved her dress so that only Lexa’s pants and her own thin underwear separated their bodies. Lexa pushed her leg into her a bit more which made Clarke moan softly. If Riley was not in his playroom, they could have continued right here in the living room, but they still had to eat dinner and give him a bath.  </p>
<p>Lexa’s hands moved up and down Clarke’s waist. She slid them even further down until Lexa could feel her smooth, bare thighs under the dress. Clarke was moving against her thigh, almost unconsciously. Lexa loved when Clarke was needy like this. </p>
<p>“Do you think we have enough time?” Lexa asked softly. </p>
<p>“You’ll just have to hurry up, won’t you?” Clarke asked as she dragged Lexa down the hall and into their bedroom. </p>
<p>Lexa laughed softly against her mouth as they were immediately attached. Their hands were everywhere as they frantically tried to take off their clothes without messing Clarke’s dress up at all. Once they were off, Clarke pushed her down on the bed. </p>
<p>It did not take Clarke long to get Lexa close. Just when she started to feel Lexa’s legs tighten against her shoulders, someone knocked on their door.  </p>
<p>Lexa’s head fell back in disappointment and probably disbelief. If anyone was going to interrupt them, they both figured it would be Riley.  </p>
<p>When they heard Riley start running toward the door, Lexa had to shout at him to stay away from it as she got dressed as quickly as she could. She came out of their bedroom still pulling her pants up. She ran her fingers through her hair before pulling it open. </p>
<p>“Aunt Anya!” Riley said, happily. He hugged her when she came inside but Lexa could tell something was wrong. </p>
<p>“Hi, Riley,” Anya said, messing with his hair until he pulled away.  </p>
<p>“Go play for a minute and then we’ll eat dinner,” Lexa said. “Okay, sweetheart?” </p>
<p>Riley was already down the hall before she could even finish. Clarke came from the bedroom now dressed in leggings. Her messy hair was now pulled back.  </p>
<p>“What’s wrong, Anya?” Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>Anya glanced at Clarke and sighed. “Can we go out to dinner or something?” she asked. “The two of us?” </p>
<p>Lexa could see Clarke’s slight frown from her peripheral vision. It was something about Raven, they both knew that, but Anya did not want to offend Clarke by talking about her sister.  </p>
<p>“You two go,” Clarke said. “I’ll stay here with Riley and make us dinner.” </p>
<p>“No, I’ll bring something back for you two,” Lexa said. She pressed her lips to Clarke’s temple and then leaned in to whisper in her ear, “Take a bath and relax. I’ll make it up to you when I get home tonight.” </p>
<p>Clarke kissed her quickly before the two of them left. Lexa climbed into her sister’s passenger seat. She fiddled with the radio until Anya finally wanted to talk. </p>
<p>“This wedding planning is insane,” Anya said.  </p>
<p>“Yeah, there’s just so much that you have to think about,” Lexa said. “Like I don’t care at all about centerpieces, but Clarke seems to care a lot about it.” </p>
<p>“I guess I just didn’t expect Raven to become this person,” she said. “I just need a night away from it all. It’s annoying.” </p>
<p>“I’m not sure it’s a good thing that you’re calling your wedding annoying,” Lexa said. “Is that what’s bothering you?” </p>
<p>“Do you ever think about losing Clarke?” Anya asked.  </p>
<p>“All the time,” she said. “When I wake up from her kicking me or when she shoves her cold feet between my legs, I think about how much I would miss those annoying things if she were gone.” </p>
<p>“Do you ever think about what you would do if Clarke died?” Anya asked. </p>
<p>That surprised Lexa. She felt anxious from the words alone. “I can’t think about that,” Lexa said. </p>
<p>“I know,” Anya said. “I can’t think about it either. This whole wedding stuff makes me think about it though.” </p>
<p>“You have a whole life left to live with her,” she said. “This is just the beginning.” </p>
<p>“I hope you’re right about that,” Anya said, sighing. “I’d die without her.” </p>
<p>Lexa, of course, did not want to think about her sister dying. It physically pained her to think of it. But she understood what Anya meant. She felt the same way.  </p>
<p>If either sister ever lost their other half, they may not physically die but they would die mentally and emotionally. </p>
<hr/>
<p>Lexa made it up to Clarke three times over that night. By the time they were done, both were exhausted and satisfied. Her body ached but in the best way. Clarke’s arm was draped over her bare stomach. The blonde was still squirming around a little as she came down. </p>
<p>“I love you,” Clarke whispered into Lexa’s skin. </p>
<p>“I love you,” Lexa replied.  </p>
<p>“Let’s have a baby,” she said. </p>
<p>Lexa looked down and saw that Clarke was completely serious. “Don’t you want to be married first?” she asked. “I feel like we should be.” </p>
<p>“I was pregnant the first time,” she said. “I could be pregnant the second time.” </p>
<p>“How about we go and see a doctor?” Lexa asked. “We’ll see how long the whole process will take. I’ll have to be on hormones for a while before they can take my eggs and then we’ll have to find a donor, too. It could take a couple tries before it takes in you, too.” </p>
<p>“Well, you can get started on the hormones,” Clarke suggested. “So, when we’re ready, your eggs will already be frozen or can be extracted.” </p>
<p>“I’ll make an appointment with my gynecologist and see what she says,” Lexa said. </p>
<p>Clarke pulled back just enough to kiss her firmly. “Thank you,” she said. </p>
<p>The thought of moving forward with the whole process was a little scary to Lexa. She was excited but there were many fears that were new to Lexa’s life: <em> What if something was wrong with her body? What if Clarke can’t get pregnant?  Would she be willing to carry a baby in order to give Clarke her dream? Would not having another baby put a stain between them? What if having two kids made it impossible to spend time alone? What if they started to grow apart? </em> </p>
<p>Lexa did not want to get worked up about it when none of those things mattered in this moment. She just wrapped her arm around Clarke’s body and held her close.  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if you could not tell, i have intense baby fever (and have for years) but my gf wants to wait another year or so</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. four weddings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke could not sleep the night before her sister’s wedding. She was excited to see everything happen the way her and Raven had planned for all these months. After her shower, she made breakfast. Riley and Lexa were still asleep which made her happy. She wanted them to relax for a while before all the chaos.  </p><p>Raven emerged from their guest room at nine after a shower. Her hair was still wet, but she ran her fingers through it as she entered the kitchen.  </p><p>“How are you feeling?” Clarke asked, laying a plate in front of her sister.  </p><p>“Nervous,” she said. “Excited. Happy. Terrified. Everything.” </p><p>Clarke sat across from her with a plate and nodded. “I can imagine,” she said. “But everything is going to go perfectly. I won’t let anything go wrong.” </p><p>“Thank you, Clarke,” Raven said with a smile. </p><p>Clarke made another plate when they were done and took it back to their bedroom. She put it on the nightstand before leaning down to kiss Lexa’s cheek and temple.  </p><p>“Good morning, honey,” Clarke whispered to wake Lexa up. “Your breakfast is beside you.” </p><p>When she did, Lexa turned her face to kiss her fully. “My sweet girl,” she whispered.  </p><p>Clarke laid out all their clothes on the couch. They had to take it all to the venue when her and Raven went this morning. Riley woke up and padded to the kitchen in his Spider-Man pajamas. He was rubbing his eyes and yawning. Clarke put a plate down in front of him at the table and kissed his head. </p><p>“Hi, sweet baby,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“Morning, mommy,” he said. </p><p>Clarke watched the way he lifted his fork, still holding it in his palm instead of using his fingers. She got emotional over the sight. Her mind went back to when Riley was a toddler in his highchair. He used to bang his hands on the tray and knock his food on the ground. It had bothered her at the time. She could use the excuse of being young and inexperienced but, realistically, she may have just been a little depressed back then. She was married to someone she did not love anymore. She had felt completely stuck. Clarke had been terrified of divorce and sharing custody of her son. The thought of Riley being gone for half of the week or even just the weekend was heartbreaking.  </p><p>“Are we about ready to leave?” Raven asked. </p><p>Clarke tore her eyes from Riley at the kitchen table and nodded. “Yes,” she answered. “Let me go say bye to Lex.” </p><p>Lexa was already in the shower when she got back to their room. “Hey, we’re heading to the venue now,” she said. “I’m taking yours and Riley’s clothes with me.” </p><p>“Okay, babe,” she said, opening the shower door just a tiny bit to look at Clarke. “I’ll be there soon. After Riley’s shower and stuff.” </p><p>Clarke walked over and kissed her quickly. “I love you,” she said. </p><p>“I love you, too,” she replied with a smile before closing the shower door again. </p><p>Raven was waiting for her in the car. She had taken longer than expected to tell Riley goodbye. She felt extremely sentimental about him today. On an average day, she was sentimental, but this was extreme. Maybe it was because they were considering having another baby. Lexa had made the appointment yesterday, but it was not for two weeks. </p><p>When they got to the venue, they hung all their clothes in the room they would be getting ready in. Clarke hung up Lexa and Riley’s suits in Anya’s room. She had to take a picture of them. The suits were identical in appearance but Riley’s looked so small compared to hers. </p><p>Time flew by as Abby fawned over Raven, a photographer following them around, and Clarke trying to make sure no one stressed Raven out. She wanted this to be perfect for her sister.  </p><p>Clarke knocked on Anya’s dressing room door before pushing it open a bit. “Is everyone almost ready?” she asked.  </p><p>“Yes, I’m just fixing Riley’s hair,” Lexa said. She had their son on her lap. Riley was smiling wide as Lexa smoothed some gel in it.  </p><p>Clarke smiled at the two of them before leaving once more. Everything was a blur after that until she saw her sister walking down the aisle, Jake’s hand in hers. Her lacy dress looked perfect. Anya’s pantsuit complimented it perfectly. There was not a huge audience which Anya had insisted on. ‘No more than fifty,’ Anya had said.  </p><p>The ceremony went perfectly. Raven was happy and Clarke was almost positive she saw a tear run down Anya’s face.  </p><hr/><p>Clarke was feeling so much better now that the reception was in full swing. Planning Raven’s wedding had taken up so much of her energy and time. Now that it was over, she felt extremely relieved. The alcohol hit her quickly since it had been a long time since she drank more than two glasses of wine. Riley was dancing with Abby and Jake as she could see from her seat and Lexa had walked off to talk to someone in her family.  </p><p>“Clarke?” someone said from over her shoulder. </p><p>Clarke looked over at whoever said her name and saw one of Anya’s friends she had never met. She had filled out so many envelopes with the invites, but she could not remember this woman’s name.  </p><p>“Sorry,” the woman said. “I’m Luna. I was just talking to Anya and she told me the engagement. Congratulations. Your ring is gorgeous.” </p><p>The reminder caused Clarke to admire her ring again. So many people had asked to see it throughout the night. “Thank you,” she said with a grin. </p><p>“Is that your son?” Luna asked, pointing toward Riley. “He’s adorable.” </p><p>“He’s mine and Lexa’s son, yes,” she replied. “Thank you. We think so, too.” </p><p>“Oh, he’s Lexa’s kid too? Wow, I had no idea,” Luna said. </p><p>“Yes,” Clarke said. She debated telling her about the adoption part, but she had no idea who this woman was. Clarke did not necessarily think it was any of her business. All she knew about Luna was that Anya worked with her. </p><p>Lexa sat back down beside her and laid an arm across the back of Clarke’s chair. She almost choked on her drink when she spotted Luna. “Hey,” she said.  </p><p>“Hey, Lexa,” she said. “Anyway, congrats on the engagement.” </p><p>Clarke watched her until she disappeared into the crowd once more. She looked over at Lexa who was conveniently picking at something on the tablecloth.  </p><p>“I’m assuming you know her,” Clarke said. </p><p>“Yes, I know her,” Lexa answered. “She works with Anya. Let me get you another drink, babe.” </p><p>Lexa grabbed her empty beer bottle and started to leave until Clarke grabbed her wrist. “You two slept together, I’m assuming,” she said. “Why are you being weird about it?” </p><p>“I’m not being weird,” she said. “I’ll be right back.” </p><p>Not wanting to get Lexa upset, Clarke let her go. There was something weird about Lexa's reaction to Luna. It was not the alcohol playing tricks on her even though she did feel slightly drunk.  </p><p>Riley wanted to sit on her lap, so she forgot about the interaction with Luna for a while. By time they went to leave, her buzz had worn off from all the cleaning they had to do before they could go home. Lexa was still being a little weird but she was not in the mood to discuss it now. Another day, she told herself. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. life unexpected</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The two weeks following the wedding, they saw very little of Raven and Anya. The two went on their honeymoon which meant they missed dinner on Friday. The next time Clarke and Lexa saw them again, it was the next Friday dinner. Lexa was so distracted by her upcoming appointment that she did not know they had extended their honeymoon.  </p>
<p>“You left that beautiful beach house to go to Vegas?” Lexa asked.  </p>
<p>“Raven wanted to go,” Anya said, shrugging. “It wasn’t too bad.” </p>
<p>Lexa chuckled at that but did not comment further. She could tell how happy her sister was. Anya had always been happiest when she was doing something for Raven. Now, Anya would get to do that as Raven’s wife. </p>
<p>Riley was staying the night with Clarke’s parents, so they had the entire night to just be alone. Abby had somehow found out about the appointment and was now offering to do anything for them. A few days ago, she even offered to come over and clean their house so the two of them could go out to dinner. Lexa knew that Abby was excited about potentially getting another grandchild. Lexa told Clarke to explain that it could take a year before Clarke was even pregnant. Clarke had not wanted to hear that either though. </p>
<p>Clarke and Raven spent a lot of time on Octavia and Lincoln’s front porch just talking as Lexa saw from inside the house. Lexa would rather tell Anya about their baby plans before she found out from Raven. </p>
<p>Lexa sighed and pulled her legs under herself on the couch. She looked over at Anya until the women put her phone down. </p>
<p>“Clarke and I are thinking about having another baby,” Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Anya did not seem surprised by the news but her brows drew together a little bit. “Yeah?” she asked. “After you get married?” </p>
<p>“I hope so,” she said. “I would rather be married first. There’s something else. Clarke and I are... we’re looking into her carrying <em> my  </em>baby.” </p>
<p>“Whoa,” Anya said, surprised now. “Really?” </p>
<p>“Yes,” she replied. “She wants to, and I think it’s a good idea if it works out. I know it kind of... complicates an already complicated process. It'll probably be a while before it actually happens.” </p>
<p>“Well, I hope it works out however the two of you want it to,” Anya said. “It’s pretty sweet.” </p>
<p>Clarke and Raven came back inside now. Raven sat on Anya’s lap and Clarke pretended to gag when they kissed.  </p>
<hr/>
<p> Lexa was excited to get Clarke home since they had the house to themselves. She fantasized about them having sex somewhere other than their bed for once. There was so much she wanted to do with Clarke tonight. </p>
<p>“So... you slept with Luna?” Clarke asked. “From the wedding? I forgot to ask when we got home.” </p>
<p>Lexa groaned softly as she drove. “Why do we have to talk about this?” she asked. “It was a long time ago.” </p>
<p>“Sounds like something definitely happened,” Clarke said. “Was it like a friends with benefits thing? I don’t remember you ever mentioning her.” </p>
<p>“Sure,” Lexa answered. “Let’s go with that. Friends with benefits.” </p>
<p>Lexa glanced over to see Clarke lost in thought. She knew Clarke did not enjoy discussing her previous sex partners. But they both knew the other slept with other people. Clarke was there through all of Lexa’s phases. She may not have known all the details, but Clarke was aware that Lexa had many more sexual encounters than herself. Having a young child made that kind of thing a bit tougher.  </p>
<p>“I’m just not sure why you’re being weird about this one,” Clarke said. “Was it a bad breakup or something?” </p>
<p>“Do friends breakup?” Lexa joked. </p>
<p>“Fine, I won’t ask about it anymore,” she said, rolling her eyes. Clarke turned her head to stare out the window, refusing to look back at her.  </p>
<p>When they got home, Clarke went straight to their room to change into pajamas. Lexa noticed that Clarke was in her ‘no sex tonight’ pajama pants, as Lexa had named them, when she came back into the living room. Obviously, Clarke was mad. </p>
<p>“Want to catch up on our show?” Clarke asked, grabbing the TV remote. </p>
<p> “Well, since we won’t be christening this couch... I guess so,” Lexa said.  </p>
<p>Clarke turned the show on and folded her arms across her chest. She did not even move over to cuddle Lexa as they normal would. The thought of telling Clarke the truth about Luna made her feel a little panicked but it had to happen no matter how she felt. </p>
<p>“Luna... we slept together when we were in college,” Lexa explained. “It was our senior year. Anya got her job and I met Luna at one of her work events.” </p>
<p>“When we were seniors?” Clarke asked. “You were with Costia then, so when did you see Luna?” </p>
<p>There was nothing Lexa wanted more than to avoid this conversation. Every time she thought about their senior year or Luna, she felt guilty. Lexa would never, ever forgive herself for what she did. </p>
<p>“I... I saw Luna... I was with Costia when... Costia worked the night shift for a while,” Lexa said.  </p>
<p>“You cheated on Costia?” Clarke asked.  </p>
<p>Lexa could see the anger in her eyes. She hated seeing it. There was no excuse for what she had done, even if she was young and dumb.  </p>
<p>“Yes,” Lexa replied.  </p>
<p>It suddenly felt like there was a knife in her chest. Keeping it from Clarke had been so much easier than telling her know even if she felt guilty a lot. Lexa had almost told her the truth so many times since they started dating almost two years ago. </p>
<p>“I... I can’t believe it, Lexa,” Clarke said, breathlessly.  </p>
<p>“It was only with Luna,” she said, watching Clarke closely. “It only happened a few times. Costia never found out about it. You’re the only one who knows, Clarke.” </p>
<p>Clarke was having a hard time processing the information as Lexa could see all over her face. Lexa just needed to hear that this would not hurt them. The thought of Clarke never forgiving her made Lexa want to vomit. </p>
<p>“Finn... he cheated on me,” Clarke said. “It’s the worst feeling. I just never imagined you could ever do anything like that.” </p>
<p>Lexa knew exactly why she had done it. She had needed to feel something, anything. Clarke had just gotten married. Lexa had to become empty in order to live after their night together. She did know want Clarke to know this. She would somehow find a way to blame herself. </p>
<p>“I hate that I did it,” she said. “It was the only time I have ever done anything like that. Costia and I broke up for a while because the guilt was eating me alive but... we got back together after a few months. You had just had Riley when we broke up.” </p>
<p>“It... it had something to do with me, didn’t it?” she asked softly. </p>
<p>“No, it was my selfish decision,” Lexa said.  </p>
<p>“But you knew that it was around the time that I had Riley,” she said. “Which means... I must have just married Finn when you had sex with Luna.” </p>
<p>“Clarke... it had nothing to do with you,” Lexa said. “Things with Costia and I were not good but that’s no excuse. I regret it every single day. It was incredibly stupid and selfish. I would never, ever do that now. I will never do that to you.” </p>
<p>“Honestly, I can’t believe you never told me before now,” Clarke said. “I’m tired. I think I’m going to bed.” </p>
<p>Clarke stood and went into the kitchen to grab a glass of ice water. She started down the hall but stopped to look back at her still on the couch. </p>
<p>“You know, that really surprises me,” Clarke said softly. “If anyone told me you had ever cheated on anyone, I wouldn’t believe them. And the fact that you never told Costia... it’s just surprising, Lexa.” </p>
<p>Once Clarke was gone, she stared at the TV for a long time. She did not realize she was crying until the tears hit her neck and chest. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. the mommies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Lexa felt extremely nervous as she sat beside Clarke in the waiting room. Her mind could not stop thinking of all the negative things they could hear today. The doctor could find something wrong with her body. She could say there was some reason why they could not have their dream baby.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Since Friday night, things had been strained between the two of them. Clarke had told her that she felt guilty for saying everything she had about </span>
  <span>Costia</span>
  <span> being paranoid. It made sense.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you still want to do this with me?” Lexa asked suddenly.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The way she looked at Clarke was heartbreaking. “Yes,” Clarke replied. “I... I think we still need to talk about this but I still want to marry you. All I can do is trust that you won’t do it again.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t, Clarke,” Lexa said quickly. “I swear. I love you so much. I don’t want anyone else but you.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” she said. “And I will have to accept my part in all of this, too. I knew I had feelings for you when I got married. I should have been braver.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Clarke,” Lexa said, rubbing the back of her hand. “I chose to do what I did. It’s just something I’ll have to </span>
  <span>acknowledge</span>
  <span>.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I... I wonder if you should tell Costia,” she said softly. “Do you think that would make you feel better?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa was not sure if that was a good idea or not. But a nurse called her last name and the conversation was forgotten for now. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>They followed the nurse through the hallway, her hand reaching for Clarke’s behind her. Even this felt like a huge step in their relationship. They were entering a completely new territory and Lexa was just glad she was doing this with Clarke. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Everything looks healthy,” the doctor said after the ultrasound of Lexa’s cervix. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The whole process had made her feel extremely uncomfortable. But seeing Clarke’s face light up at the news was worth any amount of awkwardness she had to go through to give her what she wanted. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can start you on hormones today if you wish,” the doctor said. “You would be on them for about ten to </span>
  <span>twelve</span>
  <span> days before we would go in to harvest them.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s stomach hurt at the thought of them doing anything like that inside her body.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And then what?” Clarke asked curiously. “We pick a donor and then how long until we could try to get pregnant?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We could plant the fertilized egg in your uterus within that next week,” the doctor answered. “You could potentially be pregnant by the end of the month.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Lexa said, completely surprised by that. “Three weeks?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” the doctor replied. “As long as you start the hormone therapy within the next few days. You’ll be giving yourself an injection daily.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, we definitely want to do that,” Clarke said. She turned to Lexa with a wide smile. “Right? We want to start right away.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa nodded as she looked at her. There was no way Lexa could ever tell Clarke no when she looked so happy and hopeful. Clarke laced her fingers through Lexa’s.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll fill out your prescription and send you home with a binder for the donor side of things,” the doctor explained. “It’ll explain your legal rights. Lexa, I’m sure you understand them already, but I ‘m required to send it home with you. You can call the clinic and request the information available for the current sperm donors. They’ll mail it.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa’s head was spinning as they walked out of the clinic. She had the prescription in her hand to be dropped off at the pharmacy. The prescription alone was five hundred dollars and the extraction </span>
  <span>was</span>
  <span> not going to be covered by her insurance since it was an elective surgery. The money, of course, was not going to stop them but it just added a bit to the stress of it all. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thankfully, they had been given the prescription immediately and was able to take them home that same day. Clarke laid the box on the counter as Riley came into the house. He was raving about getting ice cream with his pappy earlier that day. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <span>You’re</span>
  <span> quiet tonight,” Clarke said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa looked over at her in bed, pushing her glasses to the top of her head, and closed her book. “I’m just thinking about everything the doctor said today,” she said.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was a lot,” Clarke said. “But can you imagine me being pregnant so soon? It’s so crazy.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke was smiling as she reached for Lexa’s hand. She kissed the back of it and held Lexa’s hand against her chest. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay to be scared,” Clarke said. “I am, too. But... if you want to wait, we can. I won’t be upset. It’s your life.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s our life,” Lexa corrected. “And I do want to move forward with it. It’s terrifying, yes, but I want this, too. I promise. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and held her tightly. Lexa rubbed her back as she kissed the woman’s temple. </span>
  
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>It was only the fourth day of Lexa's hormone therapy and it was terrible. Her lower stomach was severely bruised. It got worse with every shot she gave herself. She emptied today’s syringe into her stomach with a soft, pained groan. Clarke entered the bathroom just as she finished. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, honey,” Clarke said with a frown. “That must hurt so badly.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not too bad,” she said, hiding it under her shirt once more. “Are you going to be home early or late tonight?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Early,” Clarke answered. “Tomorrow we have Riley’s parent conference, too. Remember?”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Lexa said, irritably. “Of course, I remember. I’m the one who checks his folder every night.”</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m ignoring your mood swing,” she said as she left the bathroom again.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She pulled it up into a ponytail and dressed herself for work. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>When she came out for breakfast, Riley was already at the table and waiting. She pulled out her phone to check her emails. Clarke had her favorite cup filled with coffee in front of Lexa at the table.</span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for earlier,” Lexa said, looking up for a kiss. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clarke kissed her and went back to the counter. “It’s okay,” Clarke said. She put a bowl of cereal in front of Riley. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lexa sipped from her cup and watched Clarke move around the kitchen. She noticed that the woman had been more anxious lately. Lexa’s biggest fear was that Clarke would have problems getting pregnant. It would crush the blonde. She was not sure when her feelings chanced but, if that was the case, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>would </span>
  </em>
  <span>carry a baby. Maybe it was the thought of never holding another baby again or never seeing Clarke hold her baby, but the realization was shocking. </span>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Lexa still hoped that it was Clarke who got to grow their child. It meant so much to Clarke and Lexa was excited to make the second pregnancy perfect for the woman she loved. </span>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. next</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> Raven looked down at the pregnancy test on their shared bathroom counter. Her sister was sitting on the edge of the tub, twisting her hands together, as she stared at Raven. Neither had any idea what to say. Raven did not want to offend her sister, but she hated Finn. Of course, she could never tell her. It was one thing she could lie to Clarke about. Now, she wished she had told Clarke before this happened.  </em> </p><p><em> “You could...” Raven mumbled. </em> </p><p><em> “No, I can’t,” Clarke said. “I wouldn’t be able to.” </em> </p><p><em> Raven had expected that. Clarke had always wanted her own baby, but she did not want one this soon. They had plans to do things together. They had so many places they had planned on seeing right after Clarke’s graduation. According to her calculations, Clarke would have this baby right around that time.  </em> </p><p><em> “What are you going to do?” Raven asked.  </em> </p><p><em> “I’m going to tell Finn and then... hopefully he’ll  </em> <em> propose, </em> <em>  and we can get married,” she said.  </em> </p><p><em> “Is that really what you want, Clarke?” Raven asked. “You don’t have to marry him just because he knocked you up.” </em> </p><p><em> “Yes, I do, Raven,” she replied softly. “I love Finn.” </em> </p><p><em> Nothing made Raven want to roll her eyes more than when he was brought up in conversation. She hated when Finn showed up at their dinners. It was not too often but it was different with him there.  </em> </p><p><em> Now Clarke would have to bring another baby along, too.  </em> </p>
<hr/><p>Clarke took the cap off the syringe for Lexa and took a seat on the edge of the tub. She could barely watch Lexa give herself the injection. Her stomach looked entirely different with all the bruising but, thankfully, this was her last day of hormone therapy. Tomorrow they would go into the clinic to have her eggs extracted.  </p><p>“We should make the final decision about the donor tonight,” Clarke said. “We just have to pick between the three we like.” </p><p>“We’ll do that tonight in bed,” Lexa said. “Before sex as long as you’re gentle with me.” </p><p>“I’m always gentle with you,” she argued. “Except for that one time.” </p><p>“We definitely aren’t doing that any time soon,” Lexa said, chuckling. “My neck was sore for like two weeks.” </p><p>“Two weeks?” she asked, dramatically. “Come on!” </p><p>“I swear,” Lexa argued, laughing.  </p><p>Clarke pushed her shoulder lightly before leaving the bathroom. She heard Lexa’s laugh as she walked down the hallway. There were assignments she had to finish before the weekend but all of that took a backseat to their appointment tomorrow. Clarke, of course, loved going to medical school but her family was much more important.  </p><p>Riley crawled onto Clarke’s lap when she sat down and she rubbed his back as he laid on her. She kissed the top of his head, inhaling his familiar scent. She kissed his head. Clarke wondered how Riley would feel about getting a new sibling. She was about his age when Raven entered their family, but she had already been Clarke’s own age.  </p><p>He fell asleep on her chest which was a little surprising. When he was a baby, he went through a phase where he would only sleep on her chest. Clarke remembered how annoying it had been because she had barely slept from the fear of him rolling off her, but he woke up every time she tried to lay him down. Then the phase ended. Riley would only sleep in his crib with all the lights off. Clarke had felt so sad that he did not want to sleep on her anymore despite how inconvenient it had been.  </p><p>Lexa sat heavily on the couch and laid back so she was laid out across the other cushions. Clarke ran her fingers through her long hair. </p><p>“I want to be married before we have another baby,” Lexa whispered.  </p><p>Clarke’s hands stalled on Riley’s back. “Before we have a baby or before I’m pregnant?” she asked. </p><p>“I just... I want to have you to myself for a while after we get married,” she said, turning on her back so she could see Clarke. </p><p>“Lexa, it’s not like we’ll be alone,” Clarke said, motioning toward their sleeping son. </p><p>“Yeah, but having a newborn is different,” Lexa said. “They demand all of your attention all the time. Riley can go off and play by himself for a while.” </p><p>“What are you saying? Why did we do all of this then?” Clarke asked. </p><p>“We can always freeze my eggs and use them later when we’re ready,” she suggested. </p><p>“I’m ready now, Lexa,” Clarke said, trying not to be too loud. </p><p>“I guess it just feels kind of rushed,” Lexa said. “I thought we were going to go on a honeymoon and stuff. We can’t with a baby.” </p><p>“I... I don’t know what to say,” she said. “I really wish you would have told me all of this before now. Before I got all my hopes up.” </p><p>“I’m not saying I don’t want to have a baby,” Lexa said, sighing. “I was just making sure this is what you want right now. I just... you spent all that time planning for Raven and Anya’s wedding. I thought we were going to do the same for our own.” </p><p>Clarke stood with Riley against her chest. She carried him to his bed and laid him down. When his door was closed, she walked back toward Lexa. </p><p>“Let’s wait then,” Clarke said. “Because you’ll resent me if we don’t.” </p><p>Lexa tried to read her expression but could not make anything out. Clarke just seemed withdrawn from it all.  </p><p>“Clarke, don’t do that,” she said softly. “I love you. I want to have a baby with you. I just remember how adamant you were about marrying Finn before Riley was born...” </p><p>“This is different,” Clarke said.  </p><p>Lexa stood and reached for both of Clarke’s hands. “How?” she asked. </p><p>“Because I'm going to be with you forever,” Clarke said. “You’re my soulmate. A baby is just an extension of our love. If you want to wait, we will. I can plan the biggest wedding. We can freeze your eggs and wait as long as you want to. I promise I won’t be upset.” </p><p>“Clarke... let’s do it, okay? We can get married in a damn courthouse for all I care,” Lexa said. “No matter what, marrying you is one of my life goals. I’ve written them all down. That’s number one.” </p><p>“Really?” she asked, her eyes teary now. </p><p>“Do you want to see it?” Lexa asked. </p>
<hr/><p>They were laying on their stomachs in bed as Lexa handed her the list. It had been folded so much that it was ripping slightly on the seams. Lexa’s handwriting had always been Clarke’s favorite. </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>1. Marry Clarke </p>
  <p>2. Become a lawyer </p>
  <p>3. Buy a house </p>
  <p>4. Pay off my parent’s mortgage </p>
  <p>5. Win Lawyer of the Year </p>
</blockquote><p>“You’ve already done three of these,” Clarke said.  </p><p>“Four,” Lexa said, pointing to the number four. “Now, I just have number 5 left. Hold on. Give me that list for a second.” </p><p>Clarke handed it over and Lexa stood up to grab a pen. She wrote something on it quickly before handing it back. </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>6. See Riley become a lawyer</p>
  <p>7. Have a baby</p>
</blockquote><p>Clarke smiled as she read it. She leaned over and kissed her. “I love you,” she said. “When did you write the first five?” </p><p>Lexa’s cheeks flushed. “A while ago,” she said. </p><p>Clarke moved to straddle her legs. She sat back in Lexa’s lap. “When?” she asked again. </p><p>“The night we slept together in college,” she admitted.  </p><p>“Oh, Lexa,” she whispered as she pressed their foreheads together. Clarke kissed her softly. “I loved you then. I was just stupid.” </p><p>“Well, I get to keep you forever now,” Lexa said. “And I am never letting you go. You or our two babies.” </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. making history</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> Clarke walked through campus with her two new friends, Octavia and Lincoln. She knew them through Raven who seemed to be friends with everyone on campus. Clarke was, admittedly, still jealous of her sister. Raven earned a degree while Clarke was still in high school despite Raven being the younger one. But Raven was a damn genius. At least her asshole biological mother had done one thing right. She wanted Abby and Jake to raise her. If anyone could support and meet the needs of a genius child, it was the two of them. </em> </p>
<p><em> But Clarke was so proud of her baby sister. And Clarke was lucky to already have friends on campus.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “You should come with us tonight,” Octavia said. “We’re going out to dinner with a couple friends. My friend, Lexa, and these two guys, Monty and Nathan.” </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke nodded. She had nothing better to do, that was for sure. Raven spent a lot of time studying for her doctorate which Clarke really had not expected. Everything else just came so naturally to her.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Sure,” she replied.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke liked Lincoln. He could not believe how muscular he was. Everyone seemed intimidated by him. But Clarke had known since the day she met him that he was just a big softie. Octavia introduced the two of them after meeting Lincoln at her gym. They were together from the day they met. Clarke thought their story was very sweet. </em> </p>
<p><em> The girls were discussing  </em> <em> Octavia’s </em> <em>  biology class. Clarke’s favorite subject was biology and Octavia hated it. They almost ran into Lincoln’s back when he stopped suddenly. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Lexa,” Lincoln was saying to someone they could not see from behind his back. “This is my friend, Clarke. She’s coming with us tonight.” </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke moved out from behind him and froze when she saw the woman standing in front of Lincoln. She was gorgeous but there was something else. There was something about this Lexa person who Clarke was physically attracted to on a primal level. It was confusing and impossible to explain, should she ever need to. </em> </p>
<p><em> The woman smiled and Clarke feared that she was just staring at her, open-mouthed. She composed herself quickly.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “It’s really nice to meet you,” Lexa said. “Lincoln mentioned you at the gym. I’m glad you’re coming out with us tonight.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “It’s nice to meet you, too,” Clarke said. She felt breathless. It felt like she was trying to walk across a tightrope. “I’m glad I’m coming, too.” </em> </p>
<p>
  <em> Clarke, in her nervous fit, missed the blush on Lexa’s cheeks as she turned to walk away. </em>
</p>
<hr/>
<p><em>Later that evening, Clarke was trying to find something to wear to dinner. Octavia was rarely in their dorm room since Lincoln had his own apartment, but she had promised to give Clarke a ride. The blonde had practically begged on her knees.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke was anxious. She knew exactly why she was anxious, too, and that only made it worse. Her anxiety was centered around spending time with Lexa. It had been entirely too hard to concentrate in class after meeting her. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Your hair looks fine, Clarke,” Octavia said. “Why are you being weird?” </em> </p>
<p><em> “I just want to look nice to meet all your friends,” she said, defensively. </em> </p>
<p><em> “So, you aren’t getting ready like this for any particular reason?” Octavia asked, wagging her eyebrows. “It has nothing to do with someone who will be there. Since two of them are gay and I’m dating Lincoln, there’s only one person left...” </em> </p>
<p><em> “Don’t do that, O,” she said, groaning. “Can’t someone just want to look nice when they go out?” </em> </p>
<p><em> “She’s gay,” Octavia said, fixing her hair in the other mirror by her own bed.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Good for her,” Clarke replied.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Don’t act like you don’t care,” Octavia said. “I saw the way you were looking at her.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “God, do you think she noticed? Was I being weird?” Clarke asked quickly. “I shouldn’t go tonight.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “Okay, you’re going,” Octavia said. “You weren’t being  </em> <em> weird, </em> <em>  and I doubt she noticed. But I hope she did.” </em> </p>
<hr/>
<p><em> Clarke realized she had a problem when she sat in the booth and saw that Lexa was not there yet. When Lexa did arrive, her first thought was wondering why she was late. Her second thought was about how someone could look so incredibly hot in jeans and a long-sleeve tee shirt.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Hi,” Lexa said.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke watched the way her long fingers reached to move some of her hair behind her ear. She had only had sex with a woman once, but it was not too long ago. No one knew she was bisexual except for Raven. She was sure her parents would not care at all. Raven had been out for a while. But Clarke just did not want to come out if she was no one hundred percent sure.  </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke was one hundred percent sure now. </em> </p>
<p><em> “Hey,” she replied.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “You know, I’m kind of relieved to have someone here to break up all this coupling I have to withstand every Friday,” Lexa said. </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke laughed softly. When she looked over at Lexa, her green eyes were shining.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “I live with Octavia, so I completely get it,” Clarke said. “I’m assuming you’ve never been woken from a REM cycle to the sounds of Octavia moaning and what you can only assume as Lincoln choking.” </em> </p>
<p><em> “Oh my god,” she said through her laughter. The sound was nice. “I can only imagine what that sounded like. I’m glad it was you and not me.” </em> </p>
<p><em> Dinner was over much too early in Clarke’s opinion. Octavia and Lincoln rode home in the same car. She gave Clarke her keys so that she could get back to the dorm. Monty and Nathan were gone and then it was just Clarke and Lexa standing by Octavia’s car.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “I guess I’ll see you next Friday?” Lexa asked.  </em> </p>
<p><em> “Yeah, I’ll see you then,” Clarke said. </em> </p>
<p><em> Clarke tried watching porn that night. She did not do it often, but she had the room to herself. It was taking too long, so she turned it off. Clarke could not sleep  </em> <em> though. </em>  </p>
<p><em> When she finally did finish, it was only because she imagined  </em> <em> Lexa’s </em> <em> face between her legs. And a week later when she had Bree's face between her legs, it happened again. </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. baby talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lexa carried Riley to his bedroom after he fell asleep on the couch Saturday night. Her body was sore from the appointment this morning. Clarke had been there the entire time, kissing her and telling her that everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay because they had each other and that was all they needed.  </p><p>They decided to wait on the baby for at least a few years. Clarke had cried and explained that, though she was sad, she understood that it was the best thing for their family. She had even been the one to throw the donor binder away. Lexa wanted a big wedding and it would take a while to plan. Neither woman wanted to be rushed while doing so either.  </p><p>“He’s perfect, isn’t he?” Clarke asked as she leaned against Riley’s bedroom door.  </p><p>“Yes, he is,” Lexa said, kissing her temple.  </p><p>Clarke laced her fingers through Lexa’s as they walked back to their bedroom. They made love slowly that night. Afterward, Clarke talked about school and Lexa said that Niylah really liked Gina after all.  </p><p>“Do you ever think about how things will be in ten years?” Clarke asked suddenly. </p><p>“Yes,” Lexa said. “I think about Riley being in high school and me having my own firm. You’ll be a surgeon by then, too.” </p><p>“I hope so,” she said, scoffing. “It feels like it’s forever away.” </p><p>“It isn’t,” Lexa said. “It will be here before you know it.” </p><p>Clarke kissed Lexa’s forehead and then her lips. “Love you,” she whispered, cuddling into her chest again.  </p><p>“I love you, too,” Lexa whispered. </p>
<hr/><p>Clarke slid into her old seat of the booth at Blue Ridge. Octavia and Lincoln were feeding each other chips and laughing about something. Clarke wondered when they would get engaged and she bet it would not be too long. They were the first to start dating after all. </p><p>They even ordered drinks. Clarke no longer had to worry about not drinking for a pregnancy, so she sipped a martini and smiled. It brought her back to all those years they spent sitting here and not knowing at all how their lives would turn out.  </p><p>“So... Lexa’s eggs are now frozen in some fridge?” Raven asked. “That’s so crazy.” </p><p>“Not really,” Clarke said. “I think it’s pretty cool. When we decide to move forward with everything, it’ll be much easier.” </p><p>“Yeah, I guess so,” Raven said.  </p><p>Lexa leaned over and kissed Clarke’s head. She wrapped an arm over her shoulders. Dinners at their own houses were nice but this was nice, too. This was like old times. This reminded them of when their lives were simpler but less happy.  </p><p>Wells no longer worked here and, much to their surprise, their orders were messed up for the first time. They cheers Wells even if he would never know about it. </p><p>When they got home, Clarke pulled out their wedding planning binder. Lexa smiled as she sat at the kitchen table. She was excited to start planning even if all of this was very overwhelming. Raven and Anya promised to help as much as they could to make up for the help with their own wedding.</p><p>"Raven wants to go wedding dress shopping with me next weekend," Clarke said. "You should take Riley with you to try on things."</p><p>"Of course," Lexa said. "I'd love to bring him."</p>
<hr/><p>They lay awake in bed for a long time discussing wedding stuff and their future. Clarke finally told Lexa the truth about her feelings when they met for the first time. She also told Lexa that her cheating on Costia was not something she thought about. It was in the past and Clarke firmly believed Lexa would never do anything like that to her. </p><p>"I love you, sweet girl," Lexa said, kissing Clarke's temple as she lay on her chest.</p><p>"I love you more," Clarke said with a smile.</p><p>Lexa twisted the ring on Clarke's finger before bringing it to her mouth to kiss. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. leap years</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke laid back on the lounge chair and put her sunglasses back on her face. She held her hand out for Lexa to hold. The woman smiled as she took it in her own. The scenery around them was pretty but Lexa looked gorgeous on this beach, with her sun-kissed skin and bright smile. </p><p>Their honeymoon was flying by in Clarke’s opinion. They only had one day left but they were excited to go home and see Riley. Abby and Jake called every night when he was about to fall asleep, so they could say goodnight. He had been so upset when he found out that he was not going with them on their honeymoon.  </p><p>“I can’t believe it almost over,” Lexa said, kissing her hand where two rings now sat. </p><p>“I know,” she said. “But I can’t believe we’re actually married either. I thought the day would never come.” </p><p>“It only took a year, babe,” Lexa said, chuckling. “You were the particular one.” </p><p>“I just wanted everything to be perfect,” Clarke said. </p><p>“Everything was perfect.” she replied. “Everything is perfect.” </p>
<hr/><p>Riley ran through the crowd. Jake and Abby tried to keep up but the airport was full and their grandson was small enough to fit through small places. When Riley saw his moms, he ran even faster. He barreled into the two of them and nearly knocked Clarke over. This had been the longest he had ever been away from them. </p><p>"Moms!" he said, pressing his face to Lexa's stomach.</p><p>"Hi, baby," Clarke said, crouching down beside him. She kissed his face over and over. </p><p>Abby and Jake finally caught up to the three of them. They did not even bother scolding Riley for running off. He would never do it unless he was desperate. This time, he was desperate for his mothers. That alone made Abby and Jake happy. </p><p>Riley held both of their hands as they walked to the car. </p><p>Clarke liked to joke that Riley would outgrow the two of them and, after being away from him for a week, she knew it was true. Their baby was growing like crazy. Clarke could not believe that he was almost eight. Riley being in double digit age was terrifying. He should still be a baby, in her opinion.</p><p>When they got home, all Riley wanted to do was cuddle with them on the couch. They were happy to do it. He did not fall asleep until ten that night. Once Lexa put him in bed, Clarke filled the bathtub. She sat in it until Lexa came into their room. Lexa smiled as she climbed in to sit in front of her. Clarke kissed her temple as she wrapped her arms around the woman's waist.</p><p>"You know I love you, right?" Clarke asked.</p><p>"Yes, I know," Lexa replied with a smile. "I love you, too."</p><p>If someone had told Clarke when she was twenty that she would one day be married to Lexa Woods, she would not believe them. If they told her she would have a child with Lexa, she would definitely think they were crazy. Things had definitely changed in the past three years but Clarke would not change a thing.</p><p>Clarke loved every single day with Lexa and Riley. She looked forward to their future together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>part 3 - what do you think??</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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